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Why can’t I do anything?

by kamidaka

This morning I was thinking of posting my last thoughts somewhere, just in case. I’m glad I came across this.
I will kill myself on an August 15th. I don’t really know the year, but that date will be. I’m supersticious of a certain event and I want to try out if it’s real or not.
The only thing that has kept me alive until now is anime, and will still until the August 15th.
My parents blame anime of my “weird” condition. What they don’t know is that it’s because of them I want to kill myself
I’ve tried so hard to get away from my parents. I saved a lot of money, enough for me to live for three months until I got a job. But my parents stole everything. They are important people, so they put some kind of curfew that doesn’t allow me to work in ANY place or leave my country.
They now accomplish every sick fantasy they have with me. From having a “brilliant child with a promising future and an important career” to sexual/dark things.
I am no longer owner of myself.
I’m so tired. I hate college. I cry everyday. I feel like I’m covered with mud.
Nobody notices what’s happening to me. Nobody even cares.
I don’t even understand why am I waiting for an August 15th if I keep wishing every day I wake to be the last.
Don’t get me wrong. I love myself so much. That’s why I’ve decided to do it: to avoid more suffering and to finally know peace.
I will throw myself off a bridge. I want my body to be as wrecked as possible so my parents will not try to rape me even if I’m dead. I’m not sure if I’ll work but I’ll try my best.

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9 comments

kupo95 4/19/2016 - 7:28 pm

Im sorry to heat about your situation if you will like to talk im here.

kamidaka 4/19/2016 - 10:06 pm

Thank you so much, this is the first time somebody has said to me those words, I really appreciate it!

whiskered-fish 4/19/2016 - 8:00 pm

I am so, so sorry…please know that we care. You said that nobody cares, but we do. Kamidaka, what country do you live in? Can you go to the authorities about what is happening?

kamidaka 4/19/2016 - 10:07 pm

I live in Bolivia. I’ve tried to go to authorities but my parents… they just have a lot of power in this country. They know the right people to get things done their way.

whiskered-fish 4/19/2016 - 10:17 pm

That’s so sick. I hope they burn in Hell. You don’t deserve this.

I wish you had the ability to kill them, instead of yourself. But I’m pretty sure that that would get you in a lot of trouble. And that I’m not supposed to promote such acts on this site.

Kenny McCormick 4/19/2016 - 8:51 pm

To be real, anime and the culture that surrounds it are pretty toxic. I’ve watch all naruto episodes and here I am, on suicideproject. Coincidence? Idk. Before you know it, you’re eating french fries with chopsitcks and wearing shimapan on your head like some kind of fancy accessory.

Ok, ok, joke aside. What do you mean your parents ‘rape’ you? Like… literally? Both of them? What about extensive family?

kamidaka 4/19/2016 - 10:11 pm

Maybe, but right now anime is literally the only thing that’s keeping me alive.
Yes, they rape me, at least once per week, they say it helps them to relieve stress. And yes, both of them. My mother is orphan and doesn’t have any siblings, and my father has some siblings, but they all hate me guts.

4beyondhelp 4/19/2016 - 10:23 pm

That sounds really awful. I hope you can get out of this situation soon. If you cannot go with relatives, is there anything else you can do? Why won’t they let you move out and get a job?
I don’t know how old you are, but can you go to university and live there in the near future?

I realize that you know your situation far better than I do but I want to say, if there is any way besides death out of this situation, please do not count yourself out yet. I’m really sorry you have to endure so much but you say you love yourself. You know that you deserve so much better. If there is any chance at all for you to have the amazing life you deserve in the future, please remember that it is worth holding onto that chance. I hope that you are able to escape your parents and find happiness soon. Please keep posting here if you want to talk and to let us know how you are.

kamidaka 4/20/2016 - 12:42 am

I’ve tried almost anything that was within my reach, but I couldn’t. My parents blocked all my ways out. I think they’re obsessed with me? I don’t really know.
Sadly, universities here do not have dorms, so you’re forced to live with your parents or rent a room… wherever you can?
I’ll try, I promise. Like I said, I will die on an August 15th, but I don’t know the year so that leaves a lot of time to try do something c: thank you

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