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Why go on?

by justbecause

I was contemplating suicide, it still exists in the back of my head. A lot of days I have to fight with myself to keep me from cutting myself. The cutting would silence the voices in my head. Sometimes I think I was doing the cutting as practice for cutting my wrists. Every night I wish it to be my last night breathing. I pray to God every night that he will make it my last.  Now on Sundays when I go up for communion I ask God to end this life I call living hell. The only good thing about going to work is helps quiet my mind or at least slows down my negative thoughts.

I’m still here and I can’t figure out why I haven’t gone ahead and put an end to my miserable existence. Friends say I’ve got to stay around for them. Don’t they see how all this is tearing me apart. When asked I say well I’m breathing or I’m alive and then under my breath I say, but I don’t have a life or I’m not living. I’m convinced it will happen one day, because I can’t see any hope or future. Without any dreams or possibility of a future, I don’t care to go on.

Well thanks for listening I’ll end my thoughts with: Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, While I sleep I pray the Lord my soul and life to take.

Good night everyone.

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4 comments

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/23/2016 - 12:53 am

HI just because. The only one you can live for is yourself No one else. May you have gentle dreams. Good Night.

justbecause 4/23/2016 - 2:00 pm

Thank you Hazy Day,
I know that you have to live for yourself. My friends knew that I didn’t really care to live. So they were trying to guilt trip me. It hasn’t gotten much better, but I’m not cutting right now. Don’t know exactly why, maybe it’s because I know I can.
You would think at my age being dumped by your gf wouldn’t be a big deal. Sorry to say when she threw me away, it destroyed my life. It was as if my heart was ripped from my chest then torn apart and thrown away in front of me. She destroyed all of my hopes and dreams. I lost 30 pounds. You see I thought we were going to be married.
Unless things change, it will eventually happen. I’ll get tired of carrying on. I feel like a failure and worthless man. I’m to the point where I look at the happiest day of my life will be the day I die.

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/23/2016 - 2:22 pm

The term that “time heals all wounds” and “It gets easier with time” are patently false statements. It doesn’t get easier with time, nor do the wounds heal, never fully. What it does become though is different. Continue walking forward enough and that person is in the distance. I can barely see her and the sky around me is so blue with a hint of purple that I think I’ll stay here and stop looking back at her. She’s still crying and gnashing her teeth, but she is back there and I have wiped the pathway clean, so there is no clear way to go back to her.

I have lost so much but I just keep walking forward. Occasionally folks like yourself walk next to me and we talk for a while, but in the end I am walking forward by myself, today my bare feet are on the hot earth, but that is okay, it reminds me I am alive.

A broken heart is payment for my life lived according to chance. If I never loved, never took that risk, I haven’t even begun to try to live. Even though it is painful and some days I really don’t want to carry on. Today I can.

justbecause 4/23/2016 - 10:35 pm

Dear Hazy Day,
I didn’t walk away from her, she threw me away like I was yesterday’s garbage. I thought this was the woman that I was going to marry. A broken heart, at least then I’d still feel something. I feel like I don’t have a heart any more. I don’t think I have any sympathy for other people any more. A friend who introduced me to her said he had a friend die who had a wife and 2 kids. I didn’t care. I said well at least he hard a wife and kids for a little while. His wife can find a new husband. He made the comment about not seeing him any more. I was like so what. I told him I thought his friend was fortunate to die.
I’m still waiting for my only happy day.

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