This is just a repeat of my usual tedious bullshit.
I don’t think I have it in me to live a worthwhile life. I can’t connect with anyone. Not really. The best I can do is to fake it (some of the time.) It stops me from ever really enjoying the moment. No matter where I go or what I do, I’m always dragging around this barrier in my mind, distancing me from everything.
So my life, in itself, is not worth living. I can’t be one of the happy, successful, functional people. No fun social life, no real friends, no partner, no kids, no fulfilling career etc. None of the significant moments that make up a meaningful life. I’m just here. Existing. Treading water. Stuck on the outside, watching, as everyone else gets on with building a life. Which feels unbearable.
If that’s how it is, then I suppose it makes sense to kill myself. All I’m doing by living is causing myself pain. I am something that it would be better did not exist.
Except that I’m fairly sure doing that would devastate my parents and my sister. I believe their lives are worthwhile. They don’t deserve that. And I don’t want to do it to them. I love them, in as much as I’m capable of caring about anyone but myself. Which would mean I need to protect them from how broken I really am, and try and maintain some sort of pretense of humanity for them.
I don’t know which is more significant: that who I am shouldn’t exist in principle, or that it should continue to exist for the sake of others, whose lives are worthwhile.
I’m also not sure how to go about such a pretense. How to contain all the self-hatred, anger, rage, regret, longing, sadness, loneliness, despair etc. I don’t know how you go about living with something like that. Other than various addictions, which become less and less effective over time.
How do you deal with being the sad, miserable loser who can’t be around people without them feeling awkward. I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to be this guy.
But I don’t know how to give the pretense of normalcy, while my mind is so full of shit.