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Protected: You Just Scream.

by whiskered-fish

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mindlessgamer619 4/15/2016 - 10:50 pm

I think there are lots of us literally screaming, but no one hears us. Why is that? It’s because we are all screaming internally…. and only we ourselves notice it.

Have your friends irl attempted to contact you at all? Are they worried about you? Are they close friends? Things like these do determine whether or not it matters as much…
Also, life distances friends from each other a lot of the time… Things do happen, lots of things happen.

Fish, you tend to be very helpful and you’re a very sweet person. I am honored to be your friend….. just in case I didn’t already tell you…

I have this awkward paranoia that if I don’t talk to someone at least once a week, then I lose that person forever, especially if I really really care about them…. I notice that a lot of the time, the moment I stop initiating the conversation, nothing happens and eventually we don’t talk anymore, minus the smallest exceptions, so yeah, it happens.
*bear hugs* You can email me anytime, even if it’s just to rant. I will listen respectfully, I promise.

whiskered-fish 4/15/2016 - 11:24 pm

Most of my friends are people whom I’d consider close. One of them, in fact, is my best friend. And he doesn’t even talk to me anymore. He used to, though. All the time. Don’t know what I did to chase him away. I feel like a toy whose kid got bored of it.
I know at least one of my friends avoids me on purpose. She tries not to make it look that way, because she doesn’t want to hurt me. But she avoids me because she knows I’m mental, and she doesn’t know how to deal with that. I don’t hate her for it. I can’t. Isn’t her fault. But I still cry every time something reminds me of her. This is what happens when I don’t keep my little “quirks” under lock and key. People find out, and then they give me a wide berth. Stop talking to me. Pretend that I’m dead. Forget me.
Most of my friends don’t even try to initiate conversation. And when *I* do, I often go ignored. Which just cuts me really deep. I know I don’t deserve to have friends, but it still hurts being lonely. It really, really hurts. Stupid evolutionary predispositions. If I were descended from a tiger or something, then I wouldn’t care about this stuff.
I want to be dead. I’m a nuisance at best, and I need to apologize for my pitiful life by ending it.

Anyway, Thanks, Trey. I’m happy to hear that. Even if it’s hard for me to take compliments.

Ugh, I hate that kind of paranoia. Paranoia is general just sucks. And I’ll try to take that email invitation, although I really don’t want to burden you.

mindlessgamer619 4/15/2016 - 11:27 pm

You’re not a burden, hun. I do care about you..
We all have our little quirks. It’s okay *hugs*

idk it’s weird for me.. but that’s how i am a lot of the time..

whiskered-fish 4/16/2016 - 12:49 am

Thanks. I appreciate it more than you know.

darkwillow 4/15/2016 - 11:11 pm

I don’t have any real life friends. I haven’t in a long time.

whiskered-fish 4/16/2016 - 12:20 am

I’m sorry.

4beyondhelp 4/15/2016 - 11:17 pm

The quote is accurate. It seems like people here notice my ‘screams’ a little bit, but at home I really thought I was crazy because literally no one noticed anything wrong with me even though I was cutting, suicidal and probably depressed.
I think about this with my friends from home too. Hopefully they will be less disturbed by the news if they haven’t really heard from me in months. Not that they’ve tried contacting me anyway, but I haven’t reached out to them as much, except for one who contacts me pretty often and (although I perhaps flatter myself) would be actually upset if I stopped contacting her.

whiskered-fish 4/16/2016 - 12:52 am

I don’t think you’re flattering yourself. I’m sure she would be upset. Why else would she contact you often, unless she appreciated your existence?

Cordless 4/16/2016 - 12:31 am

Thought #1: I feel the same way, like nobody IRL notices my screaming.

Thought #2: Curious, why do you hate John Lennon?

darkwillow 4/16/2016 - 12:33 am

I don’t like him either

darkwillow 4/16/2016 - 12:34 am

don’t hate him but, he just writes songs. I don’t really care for his music and get tired of hearing about him. That’s just me though. I understand some people love him, its all opinions

Cordless 4/16/2016 - 12:42 am

I neither hate him nor love him; he was just a little bit before my time, so I didn’t get to experience the whole Beatlemania thing firsthand.

whiskered-fish 4/16/2016 - 12:45 am

Just all kinds of reasons. He was a douchey person who thought he was deep, but really wasn’t. And he’s like some kind of idol among similarly fauxlosophical jerkbags.

Cordless 4/16/2016 - 12:52 am

Favorite word of the year so far: “Fauxlosophical”.

๐Ÿ˜ฎ

(*hands you the golden sesquipedalian trophy*)

whiskered-fish 4/16/2016 - 1:01 am

Yay! I’m so honored! ๐Ÿ˜€

(It’s one of my favorites too, because I just know so many people in my life that I could use it to describe. It’s so useful.)

chelle428 4/16/2016 - 1:41 am

This words it perfectly. I feel like I’ve been screaming for years and no one has noticed it. I started cutting when I was eleven and I’m 20 now and my parents never noticed until I told them a year ago. When I finally told my parents I needed help and that I was going to die if I didn’t get out of the situation I was in they told me “You’ve always been the reasonable one.” and “You’re always so level headed.” They think I’m better now and it makes you wonder how you can constantly be breaking down and screaming and crying alone and you’ve got all this going on in your head and no one even suspects it. Even my best friend who went to a mental hospital so he wouldn’t kill himself always say I can’t be depressed because I seem so happy all the time. I think about this all the time, how I’m screaming and standing right next to them, but they somehow never hear me.

Night In Atlantis 4/16/2016 - 2:07 am

“Even my best friend who went to a mental hospital so he wouldnโ€™t kill himself always say I canโ€™t be depressed because I seem so happy all the time.”

It’s a common misconception that depression equals sadness all the time and that a depressed person can not show happiness. Then of course there is atypical depression which often does not conform to any perceived set of symptoms.

Maybe the issue is how we vocalize and portray ourselves. We may be broken on the inside with no visible exterior signs, so how can we expect others to notice and fix us.

Also for someone not living this world they may just simply not be able to understand due to limited information and experiences. SP is different, we may not all be in the same boat but we are at least in the same ocean, so can empathize with each other.

You can’t always safely rely on other to help you, sometimes you need to help yourself a little first and who knows, maybe SP is the first step in helping ourselves.

chelle428 4/16/2016 - 2:20 am

Yeah, I first diagnosed with depression in the 4th grade, again in the 8th grade, and again just last year, but my family doesn’t believe in mental illness so it was never acknowledged. And I can say that while it’s always kind of there it’s not necessarily always center stage and I can be distracted from it and I can behave normally. You don’t have to be crying constantly to be depressed.

I agree it’s hard to communicate it, because unless you’ve gone through it you don’t really get it. I guess, I’m just tired of being the one to pick myself up, I attempted suicide for the first time when I was 9 and started cutting when I was 11 and I’m 20 now. Until last year not a single person knew about any of it and it’s hard to bear that burden after so many years all alone. That’s why I finally shared it with my family and my friend.

I’m really trying though, I haven’t cut in over a year now and I know no one can make me better but me. It’s just difficult to feel alone and trapped in all this for so long. I’m not expecting anyone to fix me or save me or whatever. I’m not trying to play the abandoned victim and say no one helps me so my life is so bad. I guess I was just trying to say that there’s all these emotion, all these thoughts that are so big and forefront to me and when I look at other people and I wonder how they don’t see the state I’m in because my mental state is so big and obvious to me.

I like it here though, venting help me. It would just be nice to feel a little more supported in my real life, you know? Sometimes you just need someone to hug you and say it will be okay, but a lot of times you have to be that person for yourself and I have been many times and that’s why I’m still alive.

Night In Atlantis 4/16/2016 - 2:54 am

Thank you for sharing this chelle. Wow, I’m shocked that your parents do not believe in mental illness, but accept that people are all able to express their subjective opinion. That must have been hard. Maybe now as you are older their opinions carry less weight, many parents often mean well in their actions but fail hopelessly.

That’s also the benefit of age, with experience we learn to carefully choose the people that we want in our lives. There are always people out there with similar experiences who through their insight gained become more understanding and easier to relate to.
Those people exist, it’s often just a case of finding them.
Also, some people can see beyond the pretence but for various reasons choose not to acknowledge it, this may not mean that they are uncaring, there could be many reasons behind their decision that we are unaware of.

SP is a supportive community so feel free to vent to us anytime, we are always there if only to listen. I know that online is not the same but hugs anyway. ๐Ÿ™‚

Hazy Day Sunflower 4/16/2016 - 9:09 am

This trainwreck left the station last night and docked back home safe and sound. I’m sorry I haven’t been posting much on your threads. I have read them all and I know you are struggling. Still you matter a lot to the folks here. Plus I kinda like you too.

whiskered-fish 4/16/2016 - 2:02 pm

I’m glad you’re safe and sound, Hazy. ๐Ÿ™‚ Don’t feel bad about not commenting. I know you care.

Night In Atlantis 4/16/2016 - 9:59 am

Whiskas. Apologies for going off topic on your thread. Like Hazy Day Sunflower I have read them all as well. Sometimes I begin to write a reply then change my mind and delete it again.

whiskered-fish 4/16/2016 - 1:57 pm

It’s okay. I’m almost never bothered by tangents. Least of all when they’re about serious topics.
And it’s okay that you don’t always post comments. I do the same. Sometimes, you just don’t know what to say.

whydoiwantto 4/16/2016 - 3:08 pm

Hey HDS, I just wanted to say that I hear you. You are heard. Sometimes I think it helps to literally scream, to drive out in the middle of nowhere and scream as loud as you can until your voice is gone. Maybe SP is like a pack of screaming wolves, where your screams are heard and responded to and are thought of not just screams but honest emotion and truth. You are heard and you are not alone. Hang in there

whydoiwantto 4/16/2016 - 3:10 pm

whiskered-fish – I meant to say Hey Whiskered-fish. not HDS, it was a typo. Sorry!!

whiskered-fish 4/16/2016 - 4:20 pm

Haha, that’s okay. I do that too.

whiskered-fish 4/16/2016 - 4:35 pm

whydoiwantto, forgot to mention, I’m really glad that you’re still here. I’d thought you’d died.

muspelhem 5/15/2016 - 9:25 am

Wow, I love the quote and hadn’t heard it before. Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

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