I’m sat here again staring at the ceiling with tears down my cheeks which have imbedded themselves into my pillow. Why am I the one who over attached to everything. My bffs have kindly told me they couldn’t care less if I killed myself apparently it’s like I’m invisible anyway. I don’t understand what I did wrong? I try my hardest in school, I try my hardest to be accepted for the real me and I try my hardest to be good enough but how ever hard I try it just gets thrown back in my face. I’m used to being a no one now. I’ve been a no one for about 5 years. It just happened one day, everything just flipped. I used to have loads of friends then one day I was the no one, it’s never been the same since. I don’t see the point in living anymore, I never asked to be born into this cruel world. I never asked to be born into a world where I’m a human target, I never wanted to be the one who is forced away into the corner, I never asked to be the one who goes home crying everyday, I’m not the one who asked to have my stuff taken and thrown around, I never asked to be the one who writes her Suicide note a million times a day, I’m not the one who wanted to be born into a world where I’m naked to feel like I’m worthless and I’m definitely not the one who asked to be the way I am. People keep telling me not to overreact, it’s just the fact you’re hurting, pull yourself together, people have it worse.
Im constantly telling myself that im Ok but honestly I’m not, honestly I’m dying, I’m watching my world crumbling and I have no control over it. If I’m classified as selfish and a coward for wanting to end my life, so be it.
the fact people can hurt and make people suffer to the point suicide is the only escape makes me sick bur I can’t control it…for I am weak and weak I will stay….
Sounds like your ‘BFFs’ aren’t really friends. You probably didn’t do anything wrong sometimes shit just happens. None of us asked to be born. You are not selfish and you are not cowardly. You’re not weak either. Trust me on that. Bad things happen to good people sometimes. Sometimes you have to keep trying until things get better or worse.
shattered_dreams, i had a girlfriend like that once, have kindly told me “she couldn’t care less if I killed myself” i dumped her so quick and she still is a fucking loser, don’t hurt yourself because your only hurting yourself, that’s a no brainier not a good idea 🙂 things will change as you get older and wiser, i wouldn’t care about what other people think, they are not you, would you like to be in their shoes? i bet if you think about you wouldn’t.
Same case. My friends left me without warning just at the time when my depression started to develop. I never told them the things that I was going trough. Never burdened them with my problems. They still left. People sense depression. They can smell it. Nobody wants to deal with this shit. That’s why I hardly have friends nowadays. I can’t be a cheerleader 24/7. I don’t have flowers and sunshine in my ass. If people like you only when you’re sociable and cheerful and your asshole smells like chrysanthemums, they are not your friends. Friends stick in good times and in bad times.
You know what? You need to stop trying for others. You don’t need to keep trying for anybody but YOU.
So long as you don’t accept your self and aren’t comfortable with you, you won’t be happy even when you “fit in”.
Be you for you.
P.S.: The one place I sincerely hope you NEVER get to ‘fit in’ is here at the SP. Make that a goal, ok? 😉
You shouldn’t try to be someone you’re not, just to fit in. Just be yourself. And the only way to be happy is to say “fuck it” to everything and put on rose colored glasses.
And who took your stuff and threw it around? (Also, I’ve tried telling myself that people have it worse. That doesn’t help at all lol)