There are a number of tasks I need to do today, but I lack the emotional drive for any of them. An exam. Work. What does any of it matter? What’s to stop me from ending it all? What are the moments I live for? Most of the moments in my life are all pretty boring since I spend them by myself anyway. I claim to have aspirations like traveling, maybe agriculture later on, and going to Japan (if only to visit Aokigahara), but when I think about it, none of these things really seem like they’d be that fun since I ‘d have no one to share these moments with. Because when you have someone there to experience events with, it somehow solidifies it in ways that experiencing them by yourself could never. Of course I could do all of these things by myself, but it would be me just experiencing these events, reflecting on them, forming profound conclusions about their meaning, understanding where I fit into these things and then moving on with my life, just like I always do.
I’ve lived most of my life alone and will likely live much more of it in this way. It just gets to be the same old thing after a while. It’s really pointless. I think… that if it weren’t for my older brother I would’ve died a long time ago, but since he needs me, I’ve stayed. In some ways, I really resent him for that. I really do.
Oh how much I envy other people. Being able to make connections with others. Connections that aren’t so frail and based on need and utility. Connections in which both participants are compelled by one another to stay in contact. Connections where one party is able to make the other feel something that’s not fear or estrangement or resentment or pity. How strange it would be to have that connection with someone.