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almost just ended it all

by notimportantwhoIam

I don’t really know what to say here, but I almost just hanged myself (hung? not sure). Not the first time. The only reason I talked myself out of it is because I can’t stand the thought of my mom walking in on my dead body. I don’t want her to have to go through that. But I want to end it so badly. I’m so unhappy, and so confused and overwhelmed. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve been going to therapy for a few months now and I’m on antidepressants. But I don’t know how to talk to my therapist, and so nothing has really come out of therapy, and the medication has helped somewhat with my energy levels, but it hasn’t really seemed to improve my motivation and feelings of hopelessness. Most days I don’t even feel fully conscious (if that makes sense), and I can’t really function normally. I don’t have good hygiene, my health (mental and physical) is sh*t, everything (even just walking) makes me incredibly anxious and self-conscious, and I feel like I’m losing my intelligence. I have no will to live and no will to change anything.
So then why am I writing this? I’m not really sure…but maybe I would like some advice. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m barely making it day to day, and I feel like it’s always getting worse no matter what I do. I feel that I have no control and that everything is my fault, and I’m just so tired.
I appreciate it if anyone actually read all of this. Thanks.

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12 comments

Iwantpeace2 5/19/2016 - 9:14 pm

Dude wat are yu missing from ur life yu can talk to me I want to end me too but if I had a survival buddy then… ya know…

tryingtohope 5/19/2016 - 9:22 pm

Hi
Gosh I’m feeling almost the same way myself. I too want to end my life but don’t want to do that to my mom. My dad just died so that would be really hard for her.

I also just started with a new therapist and I’m not really sure that I’m going to continue with her. I just don’t know that I want to talk about my miserable life for an hour.

And I can relate to feeling slightly unconscious and unable to function.

I wish I had some advice to give you. All I can do is tell you that you’re not alone. You do matter. Your willingness to share on this website makes a difference to those of us who can relate to how you are feeling.

As for me, I just keep hanging on and tryingtohope that things are going to get better.

Btw. How old are you? What anti depressant are u on? Antidepressants can increase suicidal thoughts, especially in people under 25. This is because they give you just a little more energy so u start to think about ending it. I know this because I’m a medical writer. I thought it was impt to tell you this.

notimportantwhoIam 5/19/2016 - 9:31 pm

Thanks, it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
I’m 17, and I’m on Lexapro, but I’m also on another medication that I don’t know the name of…my psychiatrist put me on a second one that is a mood stabilizer because of my suicidal thoughts and how frequent they are. It has helped somewhat, but it hasn’t fixed it. I know that sometimes antidepressants can worsen suicidal thoughts, but I’ve been on them for a while so I don’t think that’s really the cause, but it’s possible.

Iwantpeace2 5/19/2016 - 9:25 pm

Hope does any antidepressant good?

tryingtohope 5/19/2016 - 11:17 pm

I’m not a doctor. But in the absence of a genuine psych condition like bipolar or schizophrenia I think anti depressants CAN do more harm than good FOR SOME PEOPLE. I am not advising anyone to go off them. Please don’t ever go off meds without a doctor’s guidance.

I am very med sensitive and most meds make me crazier. I do take a tiny dose of remeron. But that was given to me because I needed to gain weight. It worked which is good.

Iwantpeace2 5/19/2016 - 9:52 pm

Yo man we are here wen there is no one else

Hazy Day Sunflower 5/19/2016 - 10:10 pm

Many times medications aren’t a good fit. It sounds like you need a swich of medication. Plus I needed to totally suck it up and tell my Dr. when things weren’t working out. I hated it, it was awkward but I forced myself to do it and she adjusted my medication. Please don’t hang yourself. You can end up worse off than you are now.

tryingtohope 5/19/2016 - 11:05 pm

I’m not a doctor. But I hate when they add one med on top of another. You never know which one is good and which one isn’t.

Anyway, you are not alone and please keep hoping with me and maybe things will get better for all of us.

turquoise 5/20/2016 - 10:05 am

It’s “hanged.” I have been waiting decades for my parents to die. They already lost one child. But lately I think it may not matter. Tragedy, as others define it, happens. I learned that I have the right to be selfish. My parents will be hurt but I cant worry about that. Even the kids. Shit happens to everyone. Nobody wants to cause pain. Well sometimes pain happens.

4beyondhelp 5/20/2016 - 12:24 pm

Same for me. I have already hurt my mom too much. If not for her I would not have let myself live this long. I really empathize with what you’re saying. I hate what I am doing but I don’t have the will to change.
If it’s hard to talk to your therapist, could it help to write it down and give it to them in letter form? Or maybe writing it out, getting what you want to say organized beforehand, and that would help you say it when you talk to them? Or even just telling them you’re not sure what to say and/or how to say it, and hopefully they can give advice.

ViLDuce 5/20/2016 - 12:39 pm

I understand where you’re at. Only four years ago, I tried ending it all. Couldn’t do it. I’m currently 20 living an average life, I guess. I hardly work, I enrolled in college for this fall, I’m trying to get back into shape, but why does any of this matter? “I have no will to live and no will to change anything.” That’s me to a T. So, I guess we just shamble through this life together, mate.

BigTreesSkier 5/23/2016 - 12:42 am

You’re not alone. Im dealing with similar issues. Most of which are just in my head. And knowing that it’s just some vicious negative loop in my head is the most frustrating part. It’s been the most frustrating part for the last 11 years. Yeah you wouldn’t have to think about it anymore if you were dead, but that’s a bad decision you CANNOT take back. I’m always changing my mind about random things and wishing I made different decisions… The only way i’d commit suicide is if I could take it back if I didn’t like the result. Which I can’t, so I won’t. Don’t make the ultimate bad decision. You would regret it and you know this to be true. Take a break from thinking about the future and watch some crazy cat videos.

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