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Anger

by seekingforhelp

Everybody in this house just doesn’t want to exist. I heard my grandma saying this and how am I supposed to help her when I don’t even know how to find the reason to live? I’d like to help her but sometimes her mind is just not in as good condition as it used to be. My mother blames my grandma for the fact that my mom’s condtion is worse. That’s because about one or two years ago, when my sister and I were at school, grandma could help mom walk. In this way, she was still exercising. But when grandma went to the hospital, we needed to find other ways.That’s way mom is weaker, not able to move and gets tired easily. I think grandma was just too tired. It was more comfortable to let my sister and I do all the work. I try not to blame her. But it makes me so angry, when she complains about everything. That we do sth wrong, that we don’t speak loud enough, that we speak too loud, that we don’t stay at home when she wants. I’m just so tired. So angry. Let me die.

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mato42 5/2/2016 - 4:31 pm

Hi. You are not alone in this.

My father has MS, too. The signs started showing when he was once away on a work trip, but the illness fully blown out after one tragic incident that happened in our family. Now he barely walks, mostly just few steps between his wheelchair and bed / armchair and so on. Don’t beat yourself for being “weak” to help her. Even I, 195 cm high, 90 kg man sometimes have troubles moving his legs, especially when I’m getting him into the car. The muscles simply “lock” and are next to impossible to move.

He too dealt really, really badly with the illness. Interestingly, he started to cope much better when he was finally in the wheelchair. Before, he was very reluctant to accept help or even admit he may need it and he especially hated talking and planning about future and how to deal with it. He was badly depressed, talked about dying a lot and wasn’t the most pleasant guy to be around, to put it mildly. Granted, he is still grim sometimes and dark thoughts will never stop, but he learned to live with it and it got much easier to live with him. It took some years, but he got there.

Don’t blame yourself for what happened to her. It’s definitely not your fault and it was, as bad as it sounds, inevitable. It may have been offset by 10 years if not a single stressful event happened in her life, but you not getting born wouldn’t prevent it and the later it is caught, the faster it proceeds. Maybe she would get 5 more years of healthy legs at the price of already being bed locked right now. You can’t know what-if. Please don’t blame yourself for what is not your fault.

Anytime you want to talk, I’ll be happy to hear you out.

seekingforhelp 5/3/2016 - 2:53 pm

mato42, thanks to U I realized one important thing, that there may be other people with similar experiences. Other people don’t understand how it is. Getting up every day, helping your parent with the same activities, and seeing him/her sometimes in worse condition. It’s hard to realize, spending like 15 yrs and taking care of someone. The responsibility and the pain that it brings. Only those who have experienced this, can understand. Only those.

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