No matter how much sleep im always tired, i constantly feel very very sad, its visable on my face, i dont see the point of going to work, i hate waking, i hate sleeping it seems like thats all i ever do, food has very little appeal anymore, i feel invisble, i dont want to end my life but I dont want to feel like this anymore, i derserve to be happy i never did anything to anyone to have my life turn out like this, ending my life is a relaxing thought but then im overcome by the feeling of jealousy and envy, of the people im going to leave behind that’ll have those laughs, date nights and general happieness.
My family is also a large part of the problem, i dont see them ever becoming the people that i need, too stop demanding, stop judging and insulting me. Nothing i do is ever good enough, the people or person im with is never good enough. I feel like my moms personal butler, i dont know what she see’s but its not a human being with emotional needs.
I feel like the best years of my life are wasting away alone, i try and look for reasons to stay but there arent any. Im not gonna stay because people will be sad im gone, im here now im sad as hell and no seems bothered.
My funeral i see a bunch of people there but no one who knew who I really was, no one who bother too actually ask look and see the pain behind my eyes.
I’ve chosen my method shouldnt be long before I have everything, then it’ll be time for one last meal, one last shower before I ready myself, clear my mind and resist every natural fiber in my body that’ll be telling my brain not to do it, too keep on going and surviving.
For me family is who I invite into my life not who won the genetic lottery. This is all very well thought out and stated. I’ll be around today if you want to talk.