F*cked up kid

…my parents are arguing again. Their sudden quiet voices made me open my door slightly…they were too quiet. But not gentle-quiet.

Stone cold quiet.

I have been carrying this loneliness and emptiness and self-hatred for so long…and today it seems worse than ever.

It tears me apart so much and I feel guilty of being here…I’ll mess things up even more I know.

I don’t know how to escape this. I really don’t. I feel so lonely and detatched…and I’m not only talking about my parents arguing. I just know that If I didn’t feel so cold and sad all the time they wouldn’t be arguing so much.

Everything’s so cold and dark…and whenever I see the slightest beam of hope, of what I want my life to be and wonder what happiness feels like, It all comes crushing down again and numbs me, chilling me to the bones and reminding me I won’t last till I’m an adult.

Maybe happiness and survival wasn’t meant for me at all.