Went back to my high school today for their spring musical. It’s been six years, and I still get emotional about that time in my life. The students did spectacular, indescribably so actually. I was so impressed. And then I had this moment, and it was almost like I could literally feel something shifting, breaking in my brain. It was all I could do to stand up or keep from crying. Good thing I had to leave early to get ready for work tonight. Six years, and so much has happened, and yet, I have made absolutely no progress. I really am so hopeless. Death, broken friendships, suicide attempts, a useless college degree, and years of nothingness. I’m just a ghost, seriously, it’s like I’m not even a person anymore. I saw several friends from high school, and I had nothing to show for my life. I couldn’t even come up with anything interesting about myself or my plans, because I don’t have any, unless they want to hear about my impending suicide. I thought, “this may be the last time I ever talk to this person, and I know it would barely faze them.” There is so much pain from all that I’ve lost, all the dead dreams, all the brightness that has been sucked out of my eyes. I remember graduating and feeling like I was on the brink of something transcendent. I really believed I was meant to do great things, and now, I’m can barely get out of bed. Guess I’ll pop a few more caffeine pills to get through work tonight. I feel like Jessie Spano from Saved by the Bell, ha. I won’t get addicted, I don’t think. Except she went to freaking Berkley and probably did great things. I’m just a useless, invisible phantom. I haven’t felt so utterly hopeless for a while. I feel it often, but not like that. All the pain from my entire life hit me like a bulldozer, out of nowhere, and I really can’t think of a single person to talk to about it. I want to kill myself right now. I just want it to end, but right before mother’s day and my dad’s birthday is kind of a dick move. So, I’ll go to work, and sleep, and pretend endlessly.
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8 comments
NicoleK, you haven’t decided what to do yet! there is no hurry just because your friends are doing something that doesn’t mean their doing the right thing, take your time and do what’s right for you, and stop getting depressed, think about what you want it will come to you sooner or later like a bolt of lighting, that’s when you will say i’m glad i waited.
Nicole. I know that invisible feeling. I work at home and sometimes go days without talking to anyone. No one calls, no one texts. Maybe I get an email from my mom. But I’ve felt invisible. It makes you what to become, invisible. I’ve been there many times.
But you’re not invisible. we hear you. We understand. I think that is what’s most important about this website; being understood. Don’t give up.
What was your degree in. What kind of job do you want. What would have have wanted to tell those HS friends you were doing?
My degree is in music and psychology. I want to have a ministry that combines the two to help those with mental health issues. Not music therapy but close. And traveling. I also love public speaking and want to use that. I want to tell people that I have purpose, that I use my life to help others, that I have people in my life who love me and that I love.
I don’t know. Do you ever just get the feeling that you have so many memories, so much nostalgia and longing for both the past and the things that you wish had existed that you can’t take it? It’s too much for me to handle. It hurts so bad. I don’t know how to deal anymore.
I majored in Music Therapy in college.
It’s an amazing field with a lot of fascinating things.
Hard to find jobs these days, though.
@cordless, I can think of a couple musicians I’d like to get some “art therapy” from.
Me too!
Oops. Looks like I hit reply at the wrong level here. Hope you see this Nicole
thank you for posting the music. I’m so sorry you are in this state. I don’t have much to say but this song is wonderful to just close my eyes and dream to.
youtube.com/watch?v=-nZYejNVZn0