I haven’t posted for a while, but I have popped in to read when I’ve been feeling low. It makes me feel better to know there’s others out there who share a similar emptiness inside.
I was on before banging on about my complete and utter loneliness. – well I sorted it, found someone who loves me and miraculously who I love in return. But it’s not enough. I’m still empty inside. I thought love was the answer, but all I do is push him away I try his patience and now after 10 months he’s ‘almost’ had enough. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but I’m fucked up- I don’t have any friends and I hurt my boyfriend over and over (not by cheating, but with mind games of ‘one up man ship’) he knows I’m no good, so do I.
I’m waiting for the big split, he thinks it’s my reason to die- he’s seen two friends quit on life already. They say things come in 3’s…
I had a job, but I had to quit.I enjoyed my job, but it took too much from me. I had nothing left to give. The thought of interviews and joining the treadmill of life again scares me. I don’t want it. my worth is so low, nothing excites me, there’s no love of life here, just tears and pain and dreams of stabbing myself in the toilet. What a horrible way to die. But this is no life, just hurting people I love and hurting myself more.
He told me I’m an abuser. He’s in an abusive relationship. I’ve turned into the people who made me this way. I can’t stand it. I hate myself so much, more with each day, each bitter words every curse and every time I beg for pain. Because to me love is being hurt, being hurt is safe, it’s what I know- they taught it to me.
I’m trying so hard to be better, but I can’t do it. I’ve even seen the Dr… But I’m thinking about the rope in my garden and the tree to swing from… But not tonight. I have my son here and the sight of me dead in the garden would haunt him for eternity.
I’m thinking this weekend, Saturday is perfect… No one home. After I fuck up on Friday- (like I always do after a few drinks). Maybe I just won’t drink.
I’m seeing a mind Dr on Tuesday… I want to make it to Tuesday. They’re going to give me some meds- the right ones this time, I hope. I need something. Pills, a shoulder, a hug, a rest, some heat (I’m addicted to heat).