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Here I go again

by QuirkyFox

I haven’t posted for a while, but I have popped in to read when I’ve been feeling low. It makes me feel better to know there’s others out there who share a similar emptiness inside.

I was on before banging on about my complete and utter loneliness. – well I sorted it, found someone who loves me and miraculously who I love in return. But it’s not enough. I’m still empty inside. I thought love was the answer, but all I do is push him away I try his patience and now after 10 months he’s ‘almost’ had enough. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but I’m fucked up- I don’t have any friends and I hurt my boyfriend over and over (not by cheating, but with mind games of ‘one up man ship’) he knows I’m no good, so do I.

I’m waiting for the big split, he thinks it’s my reason to die- he’s seen two friends quit on life already. They say things come in 3’s…

I had a job, but I had to quit.I enjoyed my job, but it took too much from me. I had nothing left to give. The thought of interviews and joining the treadmill of life again scares me. I don’t want it. my worth is so low, nothing excites me, there’s no love of life here, just tears and pain and dreams of stabbing myself in the toilet. What a horrible way to die. But this is no life, just hurting people I love and hurting myself more.

He told me I’m an abuser. He’s in an abusive relationship. I’ve turned into the people who made me this way. I can’t stand it. I hate myself so much, more with each day, each bitter words every curse and every time I beg for pain. Because to me love is being hurt, being hurt is safe, it’s what I know- they taught it to me.

I’m trying so hard to be better, but I can’t do it. I’ve even seen the Dr… But I’m thinking about the rope in my garden and the tree to swing from… But not tonight. I have my son here and the sight of me dead in the garden would haunt him for eternity.

I’m thinking this weekend, Saturday is perfect… No one home. After I fuck up on Friday- (like I always do after a few drinks). Maybe I just won’t drink.
I’m seeing a mind Dr on Tuesday… I want to make it to Tuesday. They’re going to give me some meds- the right ones this time, I hope. I need something. Pills, a shoulder, a hug, a rest, some heat (I’m addicted to heat).

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3 comments

Randall 5/12/2016 - 6:37 pm

Have you read your own post? You give the problems and then great answers. Listen to yourself. You know what to do. Be brave enough to follow your own advice. For me, one of my issues is thinking someone else has the answer. If I get love from ‘that’ person, if I get therapy from ‘that’ doctor, if I get a good job, if I get good meds from him..yadda yadda and on and on. Stop, be quiet and listen to you.

rocketman 5/12/2016 - 7:03 pm

QuirkyFox, Yep i remember you 🙂 people are always looking for the solution for their unhappiness, that’s normal, you thought it was love, well you were right but only by a slice, happiness is a whole pie, so just by finding the slice it didn’t solve everything, then we become frustrated, i really don’t know your complete situation and i am only like you and many other’s on here, trying to survive, but i’ve learned a lot over the years, to have patience is most important while trying to repair your happiness, i don’t know how badly you love this guy but if you want to keep him don’t talk negative all the time, you found the guy, that’s positive, now work on what else you need to feel happy and go about it thinking positive, it takes many steps to get up that Mountain. this might be useless info but i have a lot of it 🙂

Trix 5/12/2016 - 7:18 pm

I think you’ll be able to make it to Tuesday if you take it one step at a time ’til then. If you can’t get better on your own looking for help is the answer, and you’re doing that – the waiting is sometimes the hardest part but it’s possible.

Anyone who feels the way you do would find it hard to be in a relationship. I felt like I was really damaging to someone once and the only thing I could do was start forcing myself not to talk to them when I was starting to push them away or cause problems for them again. It took a long time to reach the point where I could do that. It sounds like you’d have to change some things about the way you talk to him to stay together, but maybe that’s just too much to think about right now. If you’re in a position where you can’t change yet, it’s up to him to decide what to do.

I hope you can put some of those worries aside and the doctor will give you the help you need. You mentioned a shoulder, a hug… maybe finding some friends, even online, would take some of the burden off your shoulders. It’s a lot to carry on your own.

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