I am sick of this garbage.
I am sick of myself.
WHAT THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE EXPECT OUT OF ME.
Killing myself is too fucking easy.
I swear sometimes I feel like there has to be some old fuck in the sky getting off to this shit, because it’s getting too ridiculous for coincidences.
FUCK, I should have gotten that cancer not my Dad, it isn’t fair. Why does he have to suffer, why does one of the only reasonable person I actually care about in my family gets cancer.
I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO FUCKING DIE FOR YEARS. What if he dies, do you think I’m going to kill myself and leave my 60+ year old mother alone. I fucking despise her entirely but I’m still a human.
The only way I was able to cope was by telling myself I didn’t have to worry about my anxieties because I would end up killing myself. Ironically the thought of an early grave kept me alive.
Now I’m in a situation where I would have to completely lose my sanity for me to end myself.
I don’t give a single shit about what people think about me. I don’t fucking care if people think I’m over reacting, jumping to conclusions, being a ***** etc. But if I fucking hear someone tell me to “keep going” or “don’t think about it” I’m going to blow my brains out right in front of them.
If my dad wasn’t a kind person, I wouldn’t even hesitate walking off that bridge. But he is, so now I can’t die. No matter how the situation plays out now, I am stuck with being alive with the strongest urge to kill myself for years or until emotions get too high and my morality fades.
Fuck this planet, fuck everyone on it.
I hate myself.