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I am done

by Dungeon

I am sick of this garbage.

I am sick of myself.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE EXPECT OUT OF ME.

Killing myself is too fucking easy.

I swear sometimes I feel like there has to be some old fuck in the sky getting off to this shit, because it’s getting too ridiculous for coincidences.

FUCK, I should have gotten that cancer not my Dad, it isn’t fair. Why does he have to suffer, why does one of the only reasonable person I actually care about in my family gets cancer.

I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO FUCKING DIE FOR YEARS. What if he dies, do you think I’m going to kill myself and leave my 60+ year old mother alone. I fucking despise her entirely but I’m still a human.

The only way I was able to cope was by telling myself I didn’t have to worry about my anxieties because I would end up killing myself. Ironically the thought of an early grave kept me alive.

Now I’m in a situation where I would have to completely lose my sanity for me to end myself.

I don’t give a single shit about what people think about me. I don’t fucking care if people think I’m over reacting, jumping to conclusions, being a ***** etc. But if I fucking hear someone tell me to “keep going” or “don’t think about it” I’m going to blow my brains out right in front of them.

If my dad wasn’t a kind person, I wouldn’t even hesitate walking off that bridge. But he is, so now I can’t die. No matter how the situation plays out now, I am stuck with being alive with the strongest urge to kill myself for years or until emotions get too high and my morality fades.

Fuck this planet, fuck everyone on it.

I hate myself.

 

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freeroma 5/9/2016 - 5:37 am

I’m in a similar position with not being able to leave. and it’s heavy as hell.
that really sucks about your dad. i agree, it isn’t fair, but nothing in this place inherently is. i hope you have some little things that you can take some comfort and joy from, at least distractions.

Dungeon 5/9/2016 - 4:01 pm

Hopefully I’ll figure something out.

Hope342 5/9/2016 - 6:59 am

I’ve finally met somebody who thinks that way too. The whole “I am going to be able to die soon” keeps me calm. I know it shouldn’t, it is ironic! I thought I was strange :/

Regarding your post, I’m so sorry somebody close to you has cancer. Is there no way of him beating it? My Mum went to get tested but it came back negative, but I’d also have those thoughts, knowing I couldn’t leave my Dad alone and worrying how I would live without her.

Maybe the worst will pass, and you’ll one day be able to leave your mother that you dislike and be a successful person. Perhaps it’s difficult for now but it might change. I know that’s such a generic thing to say, but hey, if you cant die anyway, you might as well have some kind of hope and dream for the future!

Dungeon 5/9/2016 - 4:00 pm

Yeah the knowledge of dying really calms my nerves, it is pretty weird.

hope432 5/9/2016 - 9:03 am

Yes, death seems peaceful. But how can you be so sure? If I am to suffer, I want to suffer in this life. Nothing gurantees that death is better. In fact, it can be worse.

Please, don’t kill yourself yet. Email me at: manuel_nasu13 at yahoo.com. I have something very important to share with you. It can be life changing.

Cold_Sleep 5/9/2016 - 10:20 am

Fuck this planet, fuck everyone on it,
Fuck this planet, fuck everyone on it,
Fuck this planet, fuck everyone on it.

Cordless 5/9/2016 - 3:07 pm

I’m not sure about the medical details of the situation, but cancer isn’t the death sentence it used to be.
My dad had prostate cancer quite a few years ago, but they were able to take care of it with surgery.
He’s still alive and well today. No more cancer.
So maybe there’s hope that your dad will also end up being ok.

Dungeon 5/9/2016 - 4:04 pm

Yeah true.

seekingforhelp 5/9/2016 - 4:23 pm

I’m not quite sure what to write, what could make you feel better. So I’ll just leave her a message: you can count on us all. We’re here for you.

tryingtohope 5/10/2016 - 1:22 am

Dungeon. Yeah I was feeling the same way when my niece and dad got diagnosed in the same week. I wished for fucking cancer too. Then I had a mammogram and surprise, i had breast cancer. One of the cancers you can’t just ignore because it gets very ugly and painful I was told. So I had surgery. It was stage 1 so no chemo or radiation. That was a year ago. Had my repeat mammo today.

So I am miserable and feel I can’t die and leave my mom with my crazy sister. They are both making me crazy. I have so much chronic pain from other things I hate waking up every morning. I do want to die and feel like I am stuck. It’s a lousy way to feel. Don’t know what to say. I guess a lot of us don’t want to be here but feel stuck because there is one person we don’t want to hurt.

All I can say is. . . .i get it. And yeah it sucks.

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