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I’m always afraid.

by The White Rabbit

No matter how quickly or how slowly I get to know someone… I always feel afraid of actually having any sort of relationship. I’m very much an open book, sometimes too much so, but when I meet someone I like I can’t help but open up to them and tell them how I feel. Like me back or not, it still leaves me vulnerable to being hurt by them, one way or another.

I always feel like something is going to happen, either that they’ll realize I’m a shitty person and distance themselves from me, or I’ll accidentally say or do something stupid and they’ll hate me, or some other event will break the relationship.

And even if, persè, I had a relationship with someone for 10 years, we decided to get married, life was good and nothing bad ever happened, which we all know doesn’t happen, but for the sake of the hypothetical let’s act like it does, then there’s age. There’s life. And inevitably illness and death. Now, I suppose I’d rather care for someone til the bitter end instead of never care for anyone at all. But it’s like setting one’s self up to have your heart broken some day…

I suppose we can only hope it’ll be worth it. That the person can deal with ones… “baggage” without hating you for it. Or that one won’t let their immaturity get the better of them…

It feels like I’m afraid of even the good things in life. To the point that it makes my bones hurt.

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1 comment

rocketman 5/3/2016 - 8:59 pm

The White Rabbit,

You have good reason to feel like that, most of the time things end badly, everything has a beginning and a end. You accept it and enjoy what you can.

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