Spent most of my day crying today.
I’m pregnant so I’m sure I’m doing terrible things to my unborn son by merely having depression.
I’m currently in therapy and under the care of a psychiatrist. I lie to them because if I don’t I’m 100% positive Child protective services will take my other child back out of my custody and the other once they’re born.
Just an FYI the government can take your children just because you have mental illness. My advice is to lie. You might not get the help you need but let me tell you it’s better than losing a child.
I keep telling myself that once I’m not pregnant i can take my life. I don’t have to suffer from depression anymore.
Most might think it’s shitty to leave my kids like that but I think it’s better for them in the long run. At least people understand “my mom is dead” they don’t understand “my mom couldn’t be here tonight because she’s too depressed to get out of bed” or “I don’t think you can come over my mom hasn’t slept right lately”
I’d rather my kids just tell their friends their mom died, not make excuses for my illness. The don’t deserve being outcast because I’m fucked up.
I keep mentioning not making it through postpartum but no one seems to be taking me seriously except my boyfriend. He can’t save me and I’ve made that clear.
I feel like I’m just rambling now.
Basically I feel extremely guilty for everything today.
I want to commit suicide tonight.
I can’t commit suicide tonight because it’s against one of two main rules “do no physical harm to another”
(I’m pro choice but I have respect for the potential life growing in my body)