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lazy & crazy

by 4beyondhelp

I am both of the above to the point that the best solution to every single problem I encounter seems to be to just kill myself. I have 7 hours of work due tomorrow and it is entirely because I didn’t start any of it until tonight. I am tired and all I want is to go to sleep and never wake up.

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rocketman 5/1/2016 - 8:39 pm

lazy & crazy! crazy is fine but LAZY STINKS! You reap what you sow. i’m just saying?

4beyondhelp 5/1/2016 - 8:44 pm

yeah, I know. there are so many people on here who actually have problems in their lives that make them suicidal and I’m not one of them. I am the only problem. I am the cause of every bad thing in my life.

Kenny McCormick 5/1/2016 - 9:14 pm

Fuck, please don’t say that. It’s not true. Everyone is valid, ok? This is not a competition who has is worse. You can’t put your misery in numbers and compare it with other people’s. You are just as important as everybody else.

4beyondhelp 5/1/2016 - 10:21 pm

I’m not. I’m sorry. But I have no inherent value.

Kenny McCormick 5/1/2016 - 9:11 pm

You’re not lazy. I keep saying I’m lazy when I know that I’m procrastinating and mom gives me this whole 15 min speech “you are not lazy, you are depressed. You are so so hardworking. I don’t want to hear that word ever again…”. “Lazy” is a forbidden word for me after one particular time when I worked my ass off to pay the bills when daddy was too busy hugging bottles. You are tired. Very very tired. Be kind to yourself. This is not laziness. You are not lazy nor crazy. Sometimes it’s better to drop whatever you’re doing and rest. Of course there are consequences later, but they are not as scary as they seem. Failing is an option. I’m still trying to learn that.

4beyondhelp 5/1/2016 - 10:20 pm

This is really, really sweet, but not true. I cannot recall ever working hard at anything, ever. And failing is not an option to me- I promised myself over a year ago I would kill myself if I got this bad again, and I know I have, and I also know it’s about to get worse.
Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.

HERE4UOK 5/1/2016 - 9:11 pm

@4beyondhelp
Maybe you just haven’t found your true calling.
I know people who are like you. They say “I don’t think I like anything…” but one of them went on to become a very successful blogger, and another one actually is doing just great as a photographer and YouTube channel personality.
You like sleeping? Test beds!
Eating? Be a Mystery Shopper or critic!

Get the picture? 😉

Hazy Day Sunflower 5/1/2016 - 10:13 pm

Hi 4beyondhelp: Wow my heart really goes out to you. Is this school or employment we’re talking about?

4beyondhelp 5/1/2016 - 10:22 pm

Schoolwork. This has been assigned for a week. Per usual, I am the root of all my problems.

Kenny McCormick 5/1/2016 - 10:44 pm

Don’t get so worked up over schoolwork. I also can’t recall working hard. My mother is the only person who points out the times I did stuff that mattered. I never even realized I worked my ass off until she mentioned it. Depressed people are not lazy. You are not lazy. So many things are on your mind that you can’t cope with all the shit you have to do. And that’s ok. You’ll figure it out. If I can do it, you can do it too. I feel so so worthless most of the time. But I know I am my own source of misery and if I want to ever be happy the key is in me. We are all so mean to ourselves. Like it isn’t enough that the rest of the world is too. Stop punishing yourself for breathing. Everyone fails. There isn’t a single person on this planet who has never failed. You need to learn to love yourself. It’s a lifetime journey, that’s for sure, and not always an unpleasant one.
Don’t arrange your suicide. Arrange your escape from the shit you want to escape. It’s kind of like a prison break. That’s what keeps me going these days. I like to think I’ll find a secret exit. Still searching for it every day.

4beyondhelp 5/1/2016 - 11:01 pm

I wouldn’t be worked up over schoolwork so much except that it’s how I measure how bad I’ve let myself get. I finally realized I can’t rely on anyone I know to gauge whether or not I’m ok, since they all think I’m fine, and I can’t rely wholly on my own subjective narrative. So when my schoolwork and grades start going down the drain, I know I have been too. If I cannot even keep up the thing I have been attempting to prioritize, I know what it means. And after the shit I’ve pulled today, my grades will only get lower.
To be honest, I ought to be meaner to myself. No one else is mean to me and I deserve so much more pain than I cause myself.
You seem like a really nice person, but I’m not. I cannot be anything I aspire to be no matter how hard I try or for how long, and I’m done bullshitting myself and being bullshitted by others that I can be. There is nothing within me to love. Anyone who might love me loves an illusion.

dividebyzero 5/1/2016 - 11:37 pm

Why do you measure yourself by your schoolwork and grades? Unless you happen to legitimately enjoy a certain subject, grades are generally a measure of how well you can follow directions and take orders. Which is important, but not something to measure yourself by.

4beyondhelp 5/2/2016 - 12:33 am

Because I can usually do well, and school is the only thing I even put an iota of effort into. If grades go down, it is external confirmation that I am getting worse (not functioning as well). I would rather die than let myself show the whole world what a husk I really am.

Kenny McCormick 5/1/2016 - 11:44 pm

I still believe death is not the only exit. Certainly is the easiest one to find, but not the only one.

4beyondhelp 5/2/2016 - 12:34 am

Well, I did just tell you how lazy I am…

4beyondhelp 5/2/2016 - 8:33 am

I’m afraid but I’ve got to try. I know this is for the best. Here’s hoping it works out the way I want it to this time.

4beyondhelp 5/2/2016 - 8:56 am

actually, never mind. I haven’t officially… started…. yet, but after triple-checking everything I just know it will go wrong somewhere. I don’t have the right materials in the right quanitity to make this run seamlessly and I don’t want to run the risk of it not working. Here’s to another failure. But what the fuck am I gonna do now????

whiskered-fish 5/2/2016 - 9:06 am

I’m relieved, even if you aren’t.

And I wouldn’t consider this a failure. You’re being responsible. It’s best to make sure that your exit plan is water tight.

4beyondhelp 5/2/2016 - 11:46 am

thanks, Kat. it’s still pretty much a failure since I was banking on today being it. I am actually gonna get through today. I can’t believe that a) I am letting myself do this and b) other people are letting me get away with this. I deserve so much worse than this.

whiskered-fish 5/2/2016 - 12:13 pm

I’m very curious. What do you think that that so much worse thing or things should be?

4beyondhelp 5/2/2016 - 12:24 pm

well, for a start, I certainly should not be received with kindness. I checked myself into the health center here to have my absence from class excused and hopefully do the work I didn’t do this weekend. The people are so nice they gave me a nice warm bagel, a cold glass of water, and even a (dull) knife to put cream cheese on the bagel with, despite me being me. I really don’t deserve to have this behavior tolerated or cleared and should be penalized for missing class and get the bad grades that would more accurately reflect my performance, but I’m too weak and selfish to allow the consequences I deserve.
the downside is that they’re going to call my mother and tell her I’m self-harming and possibly depressed. at least they’ll frame it nicely, I guess.

whiskered-fish 5/2/2016 - 1:17 pm

Ugh, I hate dull knives.

In all seriousness though, from what you’ve said, they know what’s going on with you. They know that your depression is keeping you from doing your schoolwork. And yet, they don’t see that as deserving of punishment, unlike yourself. They know all of this and still treat you well. Why do you think that is?

4beyondhelp 5/2/2016 - 2:41 pm

dull knives aren’t very fun, but my point was that they aren’t treating me like a small child just because I’m self-harming. I feel guilty for receiving this kindness (not that I want to be treated like I am incapable of rational thought, but still).
maybe it would be easier if depression were an ugly monster physically separating me from my homework, but I have a hard time accepting that there is something actually preventing me from functioning as I should. I really don’t like the idea of accepting my underperformance. But then again, I also really don’t like the idea of them calling my mother, although apparently my counselor was planning to do that anyway.

whiskered-fish 5/2/2016 - 5:11 pm

Hmm. Well to be honest, I can understand where you’re coming from. Not completely, but almost. Sometimes I feel like I’m not in control of my actions or inactions, but even so, I often hold myself accountable, because my own agency is very important to me.
I wish I could give you actually helpful advice, instead of that useless little squeak of “I understand.” But you and I are kind of in the same boat today (or a similar boat), and I feel like I’d end up doing more harm than good. Just want to state for the record that I’m selfish, and glad you’re still breathing.

whiskered-fish 5/2/2016 - 8:56 am

Are you leaving today, 4beyondhelp?

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