Lost Souls

Greetings. I created an account just now– but I’ve been reading some posts here for quite some time. I hope this type of post is acceptable.
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At first glance, you won’t really see me for who I am.
They see a curious wanderer, a determined overachiever, a hopeful soul, an enthusiastic teenager.
They say I bring sunshine, rainbows and butterflies wherever I go.
They think I’m awake at 3 in the morning because I’m eager to learn more about this world, because I’m comforting someone who needs my help, because I’m out running.

And at second glance, you still won’t see me for who I really am.
Because I don’t let you.
I’m awake at 3 in the morning for all of the reasons people assume, and more.
I’m awake because I run – I run from the things that make me sad. I try to outrun them, but how do you outrun yourself?
I’m awake because someone needs my help – and that is me. It’s a constant battle between the part of me who wants to be okay and sees the good in everyone, and the part of me who wants the suffering to end and sees that darkness comes from within.
I’m awake because I want to know more – know more of the why’s and the how’s. I want to understand myself and what’s happening to me. Maybe it’s just a phase. Maybe I’ll be okay again. This is the part I hate the most. The demon that makes me stay. The demon that is Hope.

I bring all the bright things with me wherever I go: this way, nobody will see the darkness within me. It’s a show. It’s a lie. I’m a lie. I’m a liar.
You see, I may have wandered a bit too far away. Hope has disappointed me for far too long, but I’m still here. Suffering, enduring, hoping. Suffering, enduring, hoping…

Are we all lost souls trying to find meaning in our miserable lives?