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May 7, i hope is my last day

by icantevenfindaname

well i kinda fucked up my whole life, just turned 18 in April, and i have no hope of living my parents love me to bits but i have given them enough pain to and made them cry so many times that i am a disgrace to this world. my whole family praises my sister and my cousins who are extremely smart and doing well in life though they have smaller problems they have never let down their parents but i just can’t get out of it, i fucked up in school got terrible grades, and now i fucked up in uni by getting terrible grades, my parents will hate me forever if i tell them how i did in my uni because my dad worked so hard so fucking hard to send me here. he send me any money he has so that i can stay happy and i can’t see that anymore. He is wasting his money on me which he can use on my sister and help her out. honestly no one ever liked me in my whole life other than my parents, i think everybody just calls me a disgrace, my friends are not real and are with me cause i have money, in my highschool no girl ever dated me, cause IDK i am just ugly as fuck i think. i am not at all smart my brain is trash i can’t do shit and all i do all day is waste money and play games. my parents tried very hard to fix me and teach me but i am a stubborn ************ and i can’t see them cry anymore. i just ordered tylenol and kirkland signature sleep and going to pick up some aspirin and advil from Walmart and take all the pills on 7th every bit of them maybe with alcohol but i don’t like it much. i failed my year, my university, my driving license, my life basically and my parents the most. i love them to bits but i can’t go back home on may 16 and show them my ashamed and disgraced face. maybe i wasn’t made for this life. Pce

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digital_dreams 5/6/2016 - 1:28 am

Hey icantevenfindaname,

I completely understand what you are going through right now – I am in a similar boat (my mom, who raised me alone, has wasted two years’ worth of tuition to send me to university only for me to fail course after course). But you have to remember your parents love you and there is nothing more they want than to see you succeed. Yes, perhaps your parents did spend a lot of money for you to fail university this year. They could have given it to your sister, but they gave it to you – there is no changing that. All you can change now is what you do about it, and if you end it now, the only thing you will do is guarantee that all that money, love, and belief was wasted. Give yourself one more chance – don’t let it go to waste.

I’m not speaking as someone who figured it out overnight – my grades are shit and I will likely be forced to withdraw from university this fall. But as hard as it is to even wake up every day, I’m going to see if I can find some basic summer job for now, and look into community college, because I think I owe it to mom to find a way. If it doesn’t work out, I can at least go out knowing I tried. But I believe I still have a tiny chance at making things right, and I believe that you can do it too. Keep fighting, give yourself that one more chance!

ShermanDog 5/6/2016 - 1:45 am

Please, before you do anything like that, just talk to me. Im a high school student so maybe you would feel more conformable talking to me than you would with an adult. I have felt exactly what you are feeling right now…just please, talk to me, and before you say its not worth talking to me, just give me a chance. I would love to be your friend, you just need to talk to me 🙂

icantevenfindaname 5/6/2016 - 4:19 am

Ive talked to all my counselors my parents but i can’t fix myself i have tried very hard, its not worth it i am failing uni at this point like i can’t even leave uni because my family would be disgraced by our relatives and other people and i can’t see my father deal with that. I do appreciate the thought

Snowyscage 5/6/2016 - 5:01 am

I know things are really hard for you right now but it can always get better. I know right now you can see it but you can always change. I’m sure your parents wouldn’t care how bad you messed things up as long as you stay with them. From what I can tell you love your family and they love you too and that’s the best reason to keep fighting. Please don’t take those pills no one would want to see you gone. You are loved and no matter what they will always love you.

maddie_kay 5/6/2016 - 6:39 am

I tried to take the stuff you mentioned, I wouldn’t recommend it. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the gut for a few days. All that’ll do is make you fall asleep and give you a sore stomache.

I understand how you feel about your dad though. You feel like you wasted his money and don’t want to make him upset. I’ll guarantee you, your family will be more upset if you kill yourself over bad grades. Some people just don’t do well in school, you shouldnt be so hard on yourself. Why do you care so much about what your family thinks?

icantevenfindaname 5/6/2016 - 10:08 am

i ordered ******** online i found a website. because i love them too much to see them be hurt cause of me. my mother still thinks i am very smart and stuff but i am just useless

lxmyrick 5/6/2016 - 11:47 am

Myself and others of us understand what you are going through, but before you try to end your life, read this post. It might help you want to stay alive, if not at leased you tried your best in life.

Here is a link to the post: http://suicideproject.org/2016/02/purpose-in-life/

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