My psychiatrist wanted to up my medication. I refused. So, instead of letting it go, my psychiatrist is giving me some time to think about it. I haven’t been taking it still, but my Mum’s getting my prescription tomorrow and making me restart it again.
I have just under 2 months to decided whether I want to up the dosage or not. Honestly, I can feel myself getting worse each day. My depression is getting bad again, and all I want to do is just give up.
The voices are getting too much, and I can’t tell anyone. There’s no point telling my family because they can’t help and just tell me to “ignore them because they’re not real and everything they tell me are lies”. Which makes the situation 10x worse because then I start trusting them less. My psychiatrist and therapist both tell me to distract myself and ignore them because they’re thoughts. So, literally nothing and no one helps me when I ask for it.
I’m also going to see my biological father’s family in July in London (I’m not seeing my father, though. I despise him), so I’m terrified of what will happen with the voices for that week.
I should probably mention my Nan works at some sort of therapy/psychiatry place, but hates everything about psychiatry. She told my mum on multiple occasions that she needs to ‘get me out of therapy before I’m 18 so it doesn’t go on my permanent medical record’ or something.
Basically, everyone on my father’s side of the family hate any sort of therapy and are embarrassed I’m in it. They think I exaggerate my symptoms – which is ridiculous because I tell them minimal details. My father also called me a ‘nutter’ several times, and said he and my brother are better off without me. Great.
So, to make the week even more stressful, I need to pretend I’m absolutely fantastic with no mental health problems. Also, Bree will want to come. So I’m not looking forward to the conversation where I have to tell her she can’t – Jeremy will understand, though.
On an even more anxiety-increasing note, two of my college deadlines are next week. Tuesday and Wednesday. Barely half of the work is completed for either project, so I think it’s safe to say I will fail this year and then be dropped from next year. Fun.