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my mom withheld love from me

by sunshinestate90

every time a relationship starts to deepen, my brain starts to protest and makes me feel pain I can’t understand. But I think tonight, I finally understand where all this pain stems from. My excuses for running away from someone I like are “they don’t really like me in that way” or “I am not good enough for them”. If I look back to my childhood, I realize that my mom gave me mixed signals about love. I was loved if I was obedient, and I was given the cold shoulder if I disobeyed. I was not taught how to love or what real love was. I was taught that to get feelings of safety and warmth, I had to obey; I had to be a certain way; I had to do certain things; I had to suppress certain feelings, certain words inside of me lest my mom disapproved of me. My mom’s love has always been conditional. Her love was not really love, it was approval. Even at 26, I am still trying to define what “real love” is. I konw what real love is not, but I don’t know what real love is. Or maybe I am just too afraid to find out. Either way, I run away and I avoid feelings…. and everyday I understand more and more why.

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J Doe 5/22/2016 - 10:44 pm

Sorry to hear. I kind of understand. My folks are the same way. They could be very vindictive if I screwed up. Maybe you could work up to real love slowly. Make some new friends and work slowly towards a relationship when you find a person you have good chemistry with. Sorry if my advice isn’t helpful.

Ant 5/23/2016 - 1:05 am

sunshinestate90, I can understand this. I have been thinking a lot about how selfish it would be of me to leave mum and the rest of my family. The more I thought about it the more I realised that really I am not being selfish at all. I have never really been people pleasing and done my own thing a lot in life and not always lived in the same town as my family but there has been times when I have not seen them for over a year cause everyone was just doing their own thing. even now I live really close to them, I see them when they want something usually lol.
Basically things are good when things are going peoples way.

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