Not really sure what to do anymore. Just let go of my antidepressants about 3 weeks ago after a 13 month period. Didn’t make me feel much better and the side effects were bad so I quit. Suffering now from discontinuation syndrome which is terrible. Brain zaps, sweats, aches you name it. I can feel myself slipping back into the same dark pit I was in before I started taking them. Feeling hollow/empty inside again, pretty much feeling like a waste of space and unmotivated to do much. Got that view of life again. The one where everyone seems to have succeeded and I failed. I have to watch those people I knew when I was younger (both good and bad) living good lives while I sit here at the age of 30 in my room in my parents house living off the rapidly depleting savings of my lost businesses that I once thought would let me live a comfortable life.
Still too socially awkward, unhappy and depressed to send out a CV or even bother looking for a job even with a degree. I think I don’t care much for life anymore. I’ve never fitted in. I’ve never ever fitted in socially and I don’t think I could fit into any company. pathetic. I feel bad writing this shit and having other people read this but I’m just trying to get it out of my mind and put it somewhere. I think I have to accept that the end of the road is near because I just don’t belong in life, never have. The fact that I’ve made it to 30 is an achievement. I first wanted to end my life when I was 20.
People are starting to notice more and more that I have problems given my age and poor progress in life, and they are starting to treat me like I am a deadbeat. I wish I could let them takeover my body and mind and let them feel what I feel. So why do I bother to push on? Probably because I want to see what happens to the world and to still enjoy the small things in life. I can’t help the way I feel now and the way I have felt all my life as an outsider, an outcast. I suppose you can’t choose the way you are in life but if you end up like me then its a life not worth living. I’ve reached the point in my life where I look at other people my age with stable jobs, nice cars , married etc and I wonder what it must be like to have their life, their mindsets. Must be nice to be able to function like a normal human being and experience things (relationships, careers etc) that normal people do.
I’m very grateful for the little I have in my life but at the same time I can’t deny the fact that ever since the age of about 16 I have felt like a lost soul that didn’t belong here.