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nothing left

by 4beyondhelp

I don’t even know what to say. I told myself long ago that if I reached this point, I’d kill myself. I tried and it didn’t work, but now I have no way to do it, and since my mom is already apparently so crushed by just the tiny tidbit that I cut, I can’t make myself work up the strength to kill myself now anyway.

I’m not getting anything done, I barely show up to anything anymore, I don’t know how I’m getting away with all this. I’ve not been cutting even though I really deserve it now more than I have before because at least that way I can tell myself I’ve been working at something, because I know I wouldn’t be getting work done anyway even if I did cut.

So I’m bereft of my punishment mentality, as well as my exit plan, because it’s now empty. I’m freefalling but the strangest damn part is, I’m so lost with everything that I don’t even have the will to kill myself anymore either. Don’t really want to live, don’t really want to die. Some weird side effect of all this is that I’m not even really suicidal.

Anyway, I guess I’m a fake suicidal person in addition to a fake everything else now too. I can’t care anymore. I’ve become my worst fear and still all I feel is mostly apathy.

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Hazy Day Sunflower 5/15/2016 - 5:11 pm

I’m a fake suicidal person too. I am rarely suicidal but I hang around here anyway. Reading people’s pleas for help worrying that this or that person may not have the strength to go on.

There is no bar to jump over to be here 4beyond. There is no measuring stick anyone is holding up to you or me. I only want to put a bullet in my brain when the crazy gets too deep if that makes any sense. I am rarely depressed. Not the way some of the folks are around here. I get hopeless, but it is different than what I read here. I get hopeless that I can evern stop being crazy, or manic. stop having this drive that makes me do really fucking strange things. Like start a business because God commanded me to or move across the country because where I currently live people are watching me.

Or delete all my artword, or SP posts or emails.

Just weird fucking things I have done my whole life that I have gotten so good at covering up I can be full blown psychotic and the folks around me just chalk it up to being eccentric at worst inspired at best. Which is really fucking depressing to think that I’m in total pain and people think what I am doing is inspired. FML.

Soco 5/15/2016 - 5:13 pm

The way u describe ur situation is like when
I was full on using. Living in a constant state of fugue. Not going forward or back. The bad part for me was that life moved on regardless. Im 40 soon and am just starting to find things to live for. I hope u can find stuff for u. People keep telling it gets brighter. Heres hoping hey.

Hazy Day Sunflower 5/15/2016 - 5:21 pm

People are terrified of 40. Me? I found things I never knew I could live for after I turned 40. It was like the pressure to compete with all the other women out there was gone and I could just focus on being happy, what ever the definition of that is.

Soco 5/15/2016 - 5:25 pm

Yeah. I think ive come to grips with it. I just stopped comparing where I am in life to everyone else. Its stupid cos its only a number. But yeah alot of folks freak about it. Ive posted it a few times so maybe im one of em. Mmmm. More soul searching.

Bob40 5/17/2016 - 6:32 am

I feel like I have nothing left either …

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