I don’t even know what to say. I told myself long ago that if I reached this point, I’d kill myself. I tried and it didn’t work, but now I have no way to do it, and since my mom is already apparently so crushed by just the tiny tidbit that I cut, I can’t make myself work up the strength to kill myself now anyway.
I’m not getting anything done, I barely show up to anything anymore, I don’t know how I’m getting away with all this. I’ve not been cutting even though I really deserve it now more than I have before because at least that way I can tell myself I’ve been working at something, because I know I wouldn’t be getting work done anyway even if I did cut.
So I’m bereft of my punishment mentality, as well as my exit plan, because it’s now empty. I’m freefalling but the strangest damn part is, I’m so lost with everything that I don’t even have the will to kill myself anymore either. Don’t really want to live, don’t really want to die. Some weird side effect of all this is that I’m not even really suicidal.
Anyway, I guess I’m a fake suicidal person in addition to a fake everything else now too. I can’t care anymore. I’ve become my worst fear and still all I feel is mostly apathy.