Whale then. Judging by the title you’ve guessed I’m a minor and have probably left thinking I have first world problems. Well, if your still here please here me out. before my parents met each other they were in a cult. This is were they got married and had 4 kids. I was the first one and the only girl. The cult said that your kids are full of the devil, ( I was beat often with a belt) all women are whores and the “pastor” was a homophobe. I learned about thongs at 6 in that “church”. They left when I was 8-9. Too late. Also my mother yelled so much I look back (she still yells tho) and wonder how I’m not deaf. Being deaf would be great tho because I wouldn’t have to here the shit that comes out of people’s mouths. So time skip to when I was 5-6 and I began school. There I learned about lesbians. Whale then. Halfway through the year my mom took me out because of this and began homeschooling me. It was good at first, even with 2 kids. I will refer to my brothers as 1,2 and 3 oldest first. 1 was nice and quiet with a love for video games.
2 was and still is a demon.
2 never cooperated and 3 followed him to some extent but was still “mommy’ a shadow”.
Fast forward to when I was 8-9. In this period my parents left the cult and decided religion and church were bad. (Today my dad says he is missing a sense of community). When I was 8-9 I got into so many battles with 2. (P.s when I was younger 2 decided it was a wunerfull idea to pull down my pants and point at my butt. This is were the long held resentment started). 2 also stole everything and never did his schoolwork.
Fast forward to 10-11 and we moved into a different house for the 3rd time.
This house had the most negative vibes…
Everyone was angry I. This house and often my dad would come home and be angry but in a low key kind of way sometimes. Other times he would be angry the house was a mess or the boys did something. He’d then storm up to his room and slam the door.
When I was 11 I had a spurt of maturity and began helping my mom with lots of things, thinking it would get her to like me and stop yelling.
It didn’t work.
She only noticed when I forgot to do something and when I turned 12 she completely forgot about any of that.
This hurt. A lot.
At this point I was like fuck it, she won’t care, and I stopped helping. P.s who moved to a different house (with much better vibes) on my birthday. Not
Very happy bout this. This is when my depression started. At first it was a bad relationship with my mom and so I grew towards my dad, who had become less angry, but kind of sad.(which made it easier to talk to him since he understood, my mother would start yelling at me if i tried to talk about being depressed, be cause her childhood consisted of molest and her dad leaving).
I began having suicidal thoughts.
Talking about these to my mom made her angry so I quit trying to get her to understand. I also began asking for therapy. In December my mom got fed
Up with my brothers and sent us all
To public school.
Best thing that ever happened to me.
I was beginning to loose interest in things I.e ballet and orchestra, and yeah. But school was great because it was an escape
From home.
My parents began fighting and my mom said things like “your loyalty belongs to me'” because I had a better relationship with my dad.
But how can you expect us to have a good relationship if I can’t talk to you?!
Sorry, my rants done. I
She then stopped
Talking to me, unless to give and order. So closer to my dad I grew. I finally got a therapist but she was too young.
Fast forward to 13. Now. Yeah I know, I’m a baby.
School ended. On the 25th. when we were leaving on the buses all the teacher were there waving and I started crying.
Yup.
In public. Oh, did I mention I’m sexually
Confused? That helps. I talked to my dad about it tho and he’s ok with it. Probably not going to tell my mom. I can’t.
So schools done, one day without school is tourture and my dads on a work trip. Nobody to talk to.
Help.
My mom and the boys went out and I was so close
To commiting suicide. It was hell without my dad and I balled my eyes out.mom still not talking to me. 2 (the demon) broke and twisted backwards my cats leg last December . I cry every time I see that poor cat. Today I locked 2 and 3 out of the house and 3 threw a rock and the door.
That was my fault.
I hate me. I hate me so much.