Planning my suicide bring me joy and peace. Choosing my funeral home for cremation. Picking out my bios urn and small urns for my family. Counting down the days. Knowing that soon I will be a forgotten soul and all my suffering will be over. Currently I have 137 days to live. 137 more days of suffering, anxiety and shame. I often revisit pages about suicide methods of famous ppl I followed who committed suicide like Simone Battle, Karyn Washington and Titi Branch. I often wonder if they felt like I do. Did they count down the days? What did they do on their last day? Lately I have been wondering where I should do it or should I go missing to a foreign country before coming back so San Diego to off my self. I own two guns. 1 . 38sp and one 9mm. Should I buy a . 45 for my last day? I can’t find helium so no exit bag. Don’t want to hang myself because I am in an IR marriage and delusional black people will blame my husband. What should I do?