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Snail’s Pace

by Zetsumei

Heh, I can’t even write anymore. One thought seems to take a minute now. My thoughts and actions are as fast as a 100-year-old when I’m only a quarter that age…

Oh well, never understood the point of living, to be honest. All these feelings and sensations are just symbols of vanity to my apathetic mind. Besides, I don’t really give a damn if the next president is a woman or Neo-Hitler. Although, it will be much easier to get rid of this Hitler compared to the first one. Humanity will destroy itself regardless of method. That is their fate. Unless humanity can develop something to turn me intangible and weightless, I don’t care what happens the next 75 years. Cyborg bodies, self-driving cars, faster travel… None of that stuff interests me.

I should be writing a 2,500 word essay right now but I can’t even force myself to type up the notes I wrote earlier… Fuck my mind! If I can become a demon, I want to be something cute like a fox demon or a youthful incubus… Wtf is up with my mind and wanting to have animal ears on my head or a devil tail!? I’m already a guy that looks like he is a 14-16-year-old boy… *blinks* Why is it that I have a feeling I would be popular with females if I didn’t have a dark personality and depression?

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Hazy Day Sunflower 5/6/2016 - 6:45 pm

Well if I had to choose for you I’d choose 9 tail fox. Just saying.

Zetsumei 5/7/2016 - 1:23 am

I don’t think my soul is strong enough to instantly become a 9-tailed fox. At best, I think I would be a 5-tailed but I’m guessing I’ll most likely be a 1 or 2-tailed fox.

Hazy Day Sunflower 5/7/2016 - 10:26 am

You think? Nah I. disagree. You have plenty of anger to be one.

nepheliad 5/6/2016 - 7:48 pm

I’m a female and I like your online personality… 😛 (Not trying to hit on you, just saying.) I’m not sure how one can become less apathetic when everything seems banal and passé… but, I don’t know, for some people what seems to help is developing a hobby/skill/interest that consumes a lot of their free time… or finding a significant other… or traveling somewhere exotic and having a spiritual retreat, etc.
(I wouldn’t necessarily recommend experimenting with hard drugs though, because some kinds can trigger schizophrenia.)

Zetsumei 5/7/2016 - 1:21 am

I’ve become so apathetic I don’t even have the motivation to do my hobby/skill… As for finding love, I’ve proven time and time again I’m incapable of feeling love… Anyone that gets with me shall be burned by sloth in the end. I’m 99% sure I’m psychopathic so I don’t think seeing things would be as bad as wanting to see everything burn.

nepheliad 5/7/2016 - 1:38 am

You were trying to get with your ex again recently, weren’t you? You must have felt some affection for her…
Also, you might not be psychopathic as much as you have anger management issues. I’ve known people who said they were filled with rage when they were young but that they mellowed out as they got older. The passion of the youth, kind of thing. (Why else are so many young people indoctrinated into joining causes and revolutions?)
It’s best to remember that a decision made under the influence of strong emotion might be one you’ll regret, so I would suggest seeking therapy to help you now before something bad happens that lands you in prison (don’t say you wouldn’t care about going to prison, because unless you’re in Norway I can’t see it as being a remotely enjoyable experience).

Zetsumei 5/7/2016 - 3:26 am

I disagree with you regarding my ex. If I loved her I wouldn’t have hurt her (emotionally) so callously time and time again. The only reason I get into relationships is to briefly alleviate my boredom of living. However, I’m unable to care for anyone be it family or friends.
Regarding if I have anger issues, I don’t doubt it since I’ve most likely repressed my anger as a consequence of seeing how irrational my father is. In addition, I do have a twisted sense of morality, my idea of saving people is by ending their lives.

nepheliad 5/7/2016 - 4:38 am

Well, at least you sound self-aware… if you know you can’t care for people, then don’t lead anyone on into thinking you do, it wouldn’t be fair for them… because there ARE people who genuinely care out there and some you’ve encountered throughout your life have probably been fond of you, too.

Zetsumei 5/7/2016 - 5:01 am

Just so you know, I’m not one of those people that likes manipulating others. It’s just that my flooding doesn’t work… That is one of the main reasons I want to die since I’ve realized without a doubt I can’t change. The worst fate isn’t death or burning in Hell, it’s knowing you are loved yet realizing you can never love back. In such a mind, there is no difference between being loved and being hated since you are still alone in the end…

rocketman 5/6/2016 - 9:55 pm

Zetsumei, drop the dark personality and depression, and chase them women! now that’s fun 🙂 why worry about what going on in the world? worry about what’s going on in your world.

Zetsumei 5/7/2016 - 1:16 am

Rocketman, I’m pretty sure the fact the universe tried to castrate me throughout childhood means it doesn’t want me to reproduce. Also, it’s kind of difficult not to acknowledge what is going on in the world when the rest of your family is… Plus, my statement is ignoring my homicidal urges to kill them for simply being sad about me dying.

nepheliad 5/7/2016 - 5:49 am

Hm. Personally I would say that even if it so happens that few who have been in my life have genuinely cared for me, I still know that I care about people because I can think fondly of them, and miss them if they’re not around, and want to help them if they’re going through a rough patch. I also would worry if I was expecting to hear from them but they disappeared, or if I heard they were ill or that there was some kind of incident, etc.

I’m always more distant and detached except with very close friends or potential romantic p.artners (when I have friends or lovers, that is…), but I still think of those I no longer talk with and hope they’re doing well, even if I thought I didn’t have a place in their life anymore. I usually aim at being the dispensable friend so people won’t be too attached to me… ah well.

Anyway, I can empathize with being apathetic and I know it is so much easier to shut people out than to give them a chance (because they’ll most likely end up disappointing you, so why not save yourself the stress, eh).

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