I’m honestly sorry anyone’s even attempting to read this load of self-pity.
Am I really just a dog? I can’t be, my family likes dogs. So what does that make me? My brother and sister both talk to me as if I were a dog. My parents stand by and either continue it, or tell me to stop being such a baby about it. I know that at the end of the day, I am nothing and furthermore that my family sees me and recognizes the same thing; I am worthless.
I’ve honestly got the best friends I could ask for, and though they don’t know it as a fact, I think some of them are beginning to catch on to my want to rid the earth of myself. I would hate to think tha I am burdening them further; I’m already hard to handle. I want to tell someone, but I suppose I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve anything good.
I’ve been having this dream lately, where my whole family gets tortured and I am left to live. This horrifies me, not because I’m scared of being alone, but because I know that I deserve that kind of death; I want that death.
I legitamately hope that everyone hates me. I desere to be hated and despised. I don’t deserve kindness, I don’t deserve happiness, and I don’t deserve this life. I am so fucking disguusting. I literally can’t even stand to be around myself, and yet somehow, I hope someone will be able to stand me. But at the same time, I don’t. I hope I die a slow, excruciating death and my life is forgotten.
I am truly sorry.
4 comments
I read this, but I don’t know what to say. Your words are so familiar.
I hate to make you repeat yourself, or to open up any wounds, but what makes you think that you’re disgusting?
It’s a long story, but the essence of it is I screwed my whole family over (accidentally) because they relied on me and I let them down. I had one job, and I fucked it up. And now, thanks to me, my family is falling apart. I’m a wicked jerk to everyone, and there’s no excuse for it.
AKidWithAName, Stop blaming yourself for something that happened (accidentally) and stop being a wicked jerk to everyone, get back on the horse and ride, you can’t help what has happened but things will get better in time. don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.
Thank you. As much as I would love to follow all of this kind advice, I’m not sure I should. This would be letting myself go free for all of the shit I’ve done, and I haven’t even begun to make up for all that I’ve done. Even though it may have been an accident, I still did it, and therefore am still guilty. I appreciate the kind thought, though.