Given that death is inevitable for all, the pertinent question would seem to be: what do I want to do in whatever time is left.
There are things that I would like to do in my remaining time. But none of them are tangible, based in my real life. They require me to be other than I am. And I do not know how to be other than I am. I do not know how to give up being myself. I am addicted to it. Attached to it. Neurosis, unhappiness, unease is the way I define my reality. I cannot give it up. I cannot accept the world as it is. I cannot accept myself in it. Doing so strips away all meaning, and I am left with nothing.
It’s hard to explain. It doesn’t make any sense. But I am in the position of wanting nothing more than not to feel as I do, or be as I am (angry, isolated, anxious, selfish, narcissistic, childish, full of shame, regret, & fear). Yet simultaneously feeling unwilling to give up those feelings, or that self that I hate.
6 comments
no death no time no i how you truly are is absolutely free right now you said it yourself neurosis attachment to this created self this i in the world in your reality you cant give up? who is this that wants to give up this i? even this idea of you being left with nothing is still a concept in the mind and its unexplainable even i looool make no sense but my i totally agrees i am unwilling to give up my own shit hahahahahahahahahaha <3
There is no such thing as absolute freedom. There is only freedom from a specific constraint. Freedom from all possible constraints – time, death, the laws of physics, existence – is nothing.
there is no such thing as nothing this word nothing the way the mind sees it look at it nothing isnt nothing its no thing explainable perceivable by mind its pure potentiality to become anything its beyond the mind and language we could debate it forever and still would not touch that <3<8 that awareness is timeless absolute and free
Of that which is beyond words, I have nothing to say.
I can relate to this dilemma. I suppose it is somewhat natural, given that our mind is neural networks that evolved on top of one another. So it’s like a patched-up thing.
Which also means you can have several conflicting motivations fighting for dominance.
That makes sense. I’ve never really known what to do with that realization – that your motivation can spin on a dime depending on which part of your mind happens to be dominant at the time. I guess the best I can hope for is to accept that what I choose to do with my life will depend on which motivation wins out the longest.