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by claritee

Thanks to those that read my posts about my ex.  And for all the advice I got. I am in a much better place now.

My last post about him was how I let him go. It’s been about a month now. I feel better. I’m still depressed, but not nearly as much. I don’t find myself crying anymore. I don’t feel like I want to die. I feel like I can breathe now. Love is something else. Loss is crazy. Loss hurts like nobody’s business.

I don’t know where we’re going to end up – my ex and I. I say that because even now, I still don’t feel any real closure with him. Do people ever really get closure. We never had an official break up. Our break up consisted of “not at the moment”, “not right now”… and then having sex a month after breaking up. We broke up in January! Had sex in February. And I’m still in this. My heart is still half way in this. I had to let go, because even when we talked back in April, he was still flirty. He’s the one that broke up with ME and he still acts as if he wants me… but he doesn’t want me. That is why I had to let it go officially. Since letting him go he hasn’t contacted me. I haven’t contacted him. I didn’t even have a conversation with him either, I just told him to leave me alone basically and he has listened.

I’m opening myself up to the idea of dating. I met this guy that I work out with, he’s really sweet but I’m not sure if he’s interested. He seems to be the type of guy that has women as friends, so I can’t tell if he’s being just nice or if he could want more. I’m a shy person… But it feels nice to be legitimately interested in someone else, even if it doesn’t go anywhere. It feels like I’m letting go.

I do admit that part of me still wants my ex and I have a feeling he still wants me too, but it’s just not the right time for him to be serious with anyone. But I’m not sure. I don’t know. Which is why I let go.  If we ever do get back together it has to be all or nothing though. I can’t stand the half/in between stuff we were doing, it was driving me crazy. I want a commitment.

But I am also opening myself up to other possibilities and I’m also letting myself get used to the reality that he could also meet someone else.

It feels scary and good letting go… I just wish that we had some sort of closure so I could stop hanging on to a hope, no matter how feeble it is…

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ZeldaSky 5/23/2016 - 2:52 am

I had a break-up like that. We were arguing, over email, like we had done so many times before. He said to me that he felt like it was getting really close to a “permanent goodbye.” Yeah, I know, charming huh?? We went back and forth a couple more times, then I though F**** it. I’m just NOT doing this again! And I stopped replying. He stopped replying. Just like that, it was over. A few months later, he emailed me again, really casually asking how I was. I ignored it. I didn’t get any closure, and even though it felt like I was dying inside, over time it got easier. I journalled all the things I wished I’d said to him. Then… maybe 6 months later, he emailed me. He was sorry and had had an epiphany, he seemed to realise what he’d done wrong. I did reply, but by then I didn’t feel the need to say any of those things I’d so much wanted to say to him the previous year. So, as much as I felt I’d needed closure, in the end I didn’t. We both agreed it was better that we were not in each other’s lives anymore and that’s it. It’s now been about 3 months since that, and I do sometimes still think of him, but not in a longing way- just out of curiosity. I hope this helps!

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