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the date i set is approaching

by souptool

 

The last 5 years or so I’ve been saying next year, if this year doesn’t get better next year I’m doing it. The last 2 winters I was serious January 1st I was going to kill myself. This past 365 days I’ve tried 3 times. The first time was the most serious I took a shit ton of pills and medications after a night of heavey drinking drugging I honestly think I died and came back. Second time was just pills and led to a really bad heartburn for a good 3 days.

anyways this year I decided to set a date. Most of my actions are becomming more aND more wreckless, specially at work just trying to put myself in potentially life threatening situations hoping for an accidental end but it looks like im not getting off that easy.

 

And the thing is, things are going good. Too good. Fuck I just got a smoking hot girls number, my personal relationships and finances have never been better. But I’m just so fucking sick of tired of putting on my fake face. I don’t want to be a people pleaser. Truth is I don’t give a fuck about anybody or anything.

Don’t get me wrong I like to do good I did a habitat build in india and it was fucking sweet it was the best feeling in the world. I’m a generous and giving person by nature I like to make people smile cause I know how shitty life can be for some we live in a pretty hear less world with pretty mindless people and I’m just sick of it.

 

Been sober 147 days well I haven’t drinken, I smoke pot and actually mushrooms completely got me out of a month long depression this winter it honestly saved my life for a bit and again that night I took mushrooms with a semi intent to commit suicide on them. When I die Id kind of like to be on them it’s a spiritual thing to me… don’t know if it means anything at all but anyways…

the date is within the next month. At this point it’s a coins toss away Wether I do it or not. Thus time it’s not pills, I don’t want to poison myself it takes too long and it’s painful if you half ass it. whichever method I choose it’ll be a quick and instant death and km cool with it. Like Ive said before I’d be super happy to die.

 

Open to thoughts and suggestions

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3 comments

chaseparker0123 5/31/2016 - 11:27 pm

listen to me man you have a hot girls phone number a pretty good life it sounds like and you like to please people do you think that your family or friends would be pleased with that and pot is fun man if there is anything to live for its family friends and pot lol you need to realize that people love you and you dont need to wear a fake face you need to tell them whats wrong and then they can get you help for anything your going threw life is hard man but its just a game all you need to do is not lose this game ok man anyway just remember there are people just like you out there you guys can help each other ok just take the time to contact people to help you and again DO NOT LOSE THE GAME ITS THE 2 ROUND OF DOMINATION YOUR TEAM DOWN BY 20 CLUCH OR CHOKE CLUTCH THAT SHIT MAN good luck with it i hope this help at least a little and peace and love:))))))<3

IControlmydestiny 5/31/2016 - 11:39 pm

You remind me of myself. Having everything yet not really caring and you can’t control that feeling, putting on the face for family and friends yet hurting inside. You’re doing everything right but still unhappy. Lastly, I agree you shouldn’t od anymore because it gets worse. Be mindful of your family walking in on you so do it elsewhere if you choose to go.

Iwantpeace2 6/1/2016 - 2:12 am

I was on my roof but ima coward…

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