The last 5 years or so I’ve been saying next year, if this year doesn’t get better next year I’m doing it. The last 2 winters I was serious January 1st I was going to kill myself. This past 365 days I’ve tried 3 times. The first time was the most serious I took a shit ton of pills and medications after a night of heavey drinking drugging I honestly think I died and came back. Second time was just pills and led to a really bad heartburn for a good 3 days.
anyways this year I decided to set a date. Most of my actions are becomming more aND more wreckless, specially at work just trying to put myself in potentially life threatening situations hoping for an accidental end but it looks like im not getting off that easy.
And the thing is, things are going good. Too good. Fuck I just got a smoking hot girls number, my personal relationships and finances have never been better. But I’m just so fucking sick of tired of putting on my fake face. I don’t want to be a people pleaser. Truth is I don’t give a fuck about anybody or anything.
Don’t get me wrong I like to do good I did a habitat build in india and it was fucking sweet it was the best feeling in the world. I’m a generous and giving person by nature I like to make people smile cause I know how shitty life can be for some we live in a pretty hear less world with pretty mindless people and I’m just sick of it.
Been sober 147 days well I haven’t drinken, I smoke pot and actually mushrooms completely got me out of a month long depression this winter it honestly saved my life for a bit and again that night I took mushrooms with a semi intent to commit suicide on them. When I die Id kind of like to be on them it’s a spiritual thing to me… don’t know if it means anything at all but anyways…
the date is within the next month. At this point it’s a coins toss away Wether I do it or not. Thus time it’s not pills, I don’t want to poison myself it takes too long and it’s painful if you half ass it. whichever method I choose it’ll be a quick and instant death and km cool with it. Like Ive said before I’d be super happy to die.
Open to thoughts and suggestions