To Kimberly: 4 Years

I write this because I assume we won’t talk again. Sorry.

From an extra letter I wrote that I planned to send you.

Four years I loved you. We were always close throughout middle school. We always hung out, talked, walked, everything. I missed talking to you until one of us fell asleep, or walking you home, or our long hugs, or even hearing when people would ask me if we were a couple. I guess even though I am no longer in love with you, I still miss those things. I remember everything, you know. I remember when I first found out I was in love with you, I remember when I told you, I remember A LOT of our conversations. Four years! I regret a lot of things as well. I regret starting stupid problems between us, I regret anytime I made you feel sad, I regret no realizing you were going through depression, I regret getting with Eileen. I don’t know why I did that, it was stupid and short; no feelings at all. I regret moving away, even though that is not necessarily my fault. Four years I stood in love with you! Three years it took to get over you. The whole time I have lived here it has been hard to find a relationship. I talked, romantically, to a few girls in my time here and each time I got really close with them I just pushed them away because didn’t feel the way I felt when I was with you. I tried a few times to get over it but failed each time and I end up depressed binge watching on romantic/depressing animes. What happened? Look at what my feelings turned me into. If I am letting all this out I might as well say this; in summer going into my junior year, I was at my loneliest time in my life. I was indoor all day playing pc for days straight with no sleep. Nothing but games and anime. I remember one night thinking, “Fuck this is it. I am done! So much shit.” I had a lot on my mind. So much in my head was going to kill me; but above all my issues the thing that killed me the most was missing you and still loving you. I wanted to kill myself for being lonely and still loving you. I knew very well that you had a boyfriend and I accepted that. I never believed it, even in freshman year, that we would be something. I accepted that but never coped from it. I couldn’t believe I almost left my family over something I should have been over already. I am sorry to have laid all this on you, Kimberly. I am doing better of course. You already know I eventually sought help and the suicidal thoughts have passed. I recently moved on as well, no more love. In that way, at least; I still care about you. I am finally done. The whole point of this was based on guilt. I felt guilty for leaving you hanging.

(I unlocked all my locked posts in case you wanted to read them, cats out if the bag…)