Today is the Day

So after suffering for over a decade of loneliness, I’ve decided today is the day I will kill myself.  No one knows the pain I am in because nobody cares to know me.  People only know fragments of who I am, and when I open up, it only scares them away.  I am 32 years old I haven’t had a girlfriend since my early 20s and I am a fairly successful individual.  I have a master’s degree and make $100,000  year.  I don’t tell you this to brag, but to demonstrate that this disease affects everyone.  I have served in the military for over 8 years with 2 deployments.  The military was good to me, but it is a lonely career as an officer.  All of my peers are married and have kids.  The only single people in the military are enlisted and it is a legal violation to fraternize with them so I end up alone constantly.

So how close am I to committing suicide?  Well I finally bought the gun today and the ammunition.  The gun is right next to me and has 1 round loaded, all I need to get the job done.  I had a nervous breakdown at work yesterday and left halfway through the day because I couldn’t stop crying, just like I am crying right now.  I called in sick today and received a few texts from co-workers wondering where I am…if they only knew how unhappy I’ve been for my entire adult life.  All the people who used to tell me things will get better lied.  It doesn’t get better, it only gets harder because no one cares even when you try to care, all they do is use your willingness to care against you and take advantage of you until you have nothing left to give.

I’m surrounded by tissues as I contemplate when I’ll actually pull the trigger.  I have packed a bag to travel.  I think I’ll just drive somewhere until I run out of fuel and walk into an empty field or forest and do it there.  It’s a beautiful day outside, but I don’t even know how to enjoy my last hours on this earth.  The thoughts just keep running through my mind.  No one will even know I’m gone at least until Monday.  I’ll be AWOL and maybe they’ll send someone to my apartment to find my note, but by then it will be too late.

People who are truly suicidal know how to hide the warning signs.  I’ve hid them from everyone for years.  I almost convinced myself that I could overcome the thoughts of suicide, but the mind is too strong.  There’s only one logical end to my life without anymore suffering.  I’ve given it everything I had, but now I’m just too weak to go on.  I can’t fake it anymore and I’d rather die than live life knowing everyone would only pity me and not realize that the only way to help me is just to be there as a true friend.  I need a best friend, but it’s impossible to find when you’re an adult.  Everyone that’s married already has their best friend.  There are no best friends left for me.  I doomed to a life of loneliness, suffering, and pity if I expose my thoughts to the world.  Or I can just end it now.  Sorry for ranting.  My mind is splintering in a million different directions and my emotions are overwhelming me.