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Trapped

by Casino96

A while back, maybe a couple months ago, I learned that my younger brother has had suicidal thoughts. He doesn’t know I know that. I found a few discarded journal pages lying around while cleaning up the spare room I’m staying in. I don’t know if this is a current thing or not but it scares the hell out of me. Not even for the obvious reason of him harming himself in any way, because I’m almost positive he wouldn’t. It’s because now I don’t know how badly it would affect everyone when I do finally kill myself, and the last thing I want in the world is for anyone, let alone him, to follow me. I feel incredibly trapped. I wish there was a way for me to die and for my family to feel happy for me, but that’s completely ridiculous. I hope he’ll be doing ok when I finally go through with it. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

 

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brokenandbent30 5/18/2016 - 10:48 pm

This is the exact feeling I had when my little brother actually told me he wanted to die and even named a date. It scared me, he cried. I hugged him and talked him down, but I am fighting my own demons daily and can’t be there for him or anyone as much as I would like to.

My grandma just died so I also feel trapped because of that too. Not to mention feeling more down and out than usual. I can’t kill myself with all this going on, it would be too much for a family to take. Normally, I wouldn’t care what they think, but these recent developments would make it a terrible time for suicide.

All I can do is hang around as long as I can even though things are so bleak. I understand feeling “trapped”. Maybe it’s a good thing we feel the need to stick around even though we really don’t want to. I just want the pain to end.

jrmeador94 5/19/2016 - 1:40 am

I have 5 older sisters, and at least three of them have been depressed. I’ve been having your line of thinking too! I’m scared to commit suicide because it would destroy them, take decades to recover, and they might follow me. I’ve been scared shitless.

It’s awesome that you feel the love for your brother. It can actually be a good motivator, and you’ve gotta keep the fear in check. I’ve let the fear consume me and have become addicted to numb the depression, in the name of keeping my siblings alive.

Be brave. You are worthy of love, and your brother and family want you with them. I barely know you, but whoever you happen to be now, I love you for who you are. Even the broken and desperate parts.

You are loved

Casino96 5/19/2016 - 11:54 am

Thank you. It’s been hard the last few weeks. I’m afraid to check my final grades, I have to get a job soon and I don’t know if I’m ok to do it, and I need to ask my parents about getting medication. The worst thing out off all of it is the isolation. I wish I knew someone where I live who’s just as fucked up as I am so I could connect with another person out there. I wish I didn’t have to hide my arms around every single person I meet. I watch tv to preoccupy myself and I just end up wanting what they have on the screen. There it’s ok to be messed up because there’s always someone who gets it, so they’re never really alone

Casino96 5/19/2016 - 11:55 am

I just want someone to be completely genuine and real with, because right now the world gets faker and faker every day.

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