Good Morning. I still don’t have a lot to say this morning. I seem to be cycling down again. I feel like I have whiplash lately. Up down, up down. I don’t seem to be losing the drive to paint and draw, which will most likely save my life this go around.
When I was younger I would cycle up and have about three solid weeks of pure creativity then it would leave me for 6 months and I would be completely destitute about it. Up until January of last year I had put away anything creative because it had just left me completely. I was sad about it but there is a certain amount of pain involved with being driven to draw or paint constantly.
A different person woke up this morning. I rolled the dice this morning and someone else woke up. Which happens. I’m back locked up tight in my head. Yesterday the world was my oyster. I even taught myself a new computer programming system last week to do the job of someone who quit because I was tired of relying on a department who doesn’t know my data like I do. Just fucking sat down and taught myself a system people got to college to learn. I have no idea how I did it. Today I look at myself and I feel like I’m some kind of alien creature. I couldn’t do it today. She didn’t wake up today, I did. I don’t have the ability to learn a new system. My head has become a cloud.
But I can paint still. Which is good. I am fighting paranoia. I am fighting the idea people are watching me, which is why I took down the self-portrait. I didn’t delete it. If Alan wants me to add it to this post I will so he can see it. After all I painted it because of something he said.
I’m so incredibly lonely I can taste it.
I’ve been listening to Radical face for days on end now.
HDS
21 comments
Good morning HDS. Hope you have a good day.
Good is relative. It is going to be a different day than other days. I’ll be in my head all day. I’m going to line up some physical things to do and attempt to find a way not to verbally interact with anyone at all today, because frankly I’m headed into complete paranoia and it isn’t going to get better. But if I line up regular things, like regular folks do, I’ll be able to power through this until I start cycling back up again. You know, laundry, dishes, clean up the house. Possibly dig my youngest out of that total rat hole she has made her room into. It is a fire hazard between all the artwork taped to every available surface and books everywhere. I suspect that she has all my forks up in her loft bed stashed away for some nefarious purpose. Not sure what that purpose is, but we have exactly 4 forks left int he silverware drawer. Down from ten. It is fork hunting season today.
Good is always relative. Depends on someones needs. Hope you find all your forks. Why someone would stash forks?
I suspect my youngest has them all stashed in her loft bed. Yes, the mysteries of children. Either that or they all fell into the sofa I’m sitting on, which is even more baffling. Still. Fork hunt it is.
Children are a blessing despite their mysteries. Always prayed to have 2-3 children. I don’t think I ever will. If you don’t mind how many do you have?
Three. Feels like ten some days. I have learned to just let them do their thing. I don’t plan anything for them and they find their own ways. I was raised by a narcissistic mentally ill woman who rarely let me be just who I was. Good thing about being raised by a totally unhinged woman is that when I am wondering what I should do as a parent, I look to her and think, well what would she do? Then I do the exact oppesite.
Haha. That is smart thinking. I know raising kids can be an exhausting task. God bless all three of them and you for being a good mother.
It’s frustrating that we posses abilities that only surface in an altered state of mind. I wonder if it would be easier not being aware of our potential abilities at all rather than a glimpse into a world we cannot hold onto.
I like this song, it has a certain sadness that matches my mood today. I’m lonely too, it sucks.
So you understand then? I switch on and off. Thank GOD I didn’t switch off mid week last week because I took on a project (by necessity) which was way out of my league but I knew I was in the mind set to accomplish anything I set my mind to. I didn’t think about the crash, which ultimately always happens to me. Luckily it happened a day after I taught myself compeltely how to do the project all by myself. Three weeks ago I could barely understand how this particular software works. It is fairly complex geospacial mapping software. I tried to teach myself how to do it but could only do about 1/10th of what I needed to do for the project to be successful. Then about 8 days ago I started to cycle up and though “holy fucking shit, she made an appearance just when I needed her to save me” and set about putting things in place to learn the system so I could do the project myself since folks were not in any hurry to do what was needed by the deadline, which was looming fast. She went back home today. I kind of miss her but I also need a break. She is exhausting in every sense of the word.
Sadly yes, I understand it all to well. I spent two months last year out of touch and became so paranoid that I came close to selling my house and moving overseas because I thought that everyone in Australia was out to get me. I also came close to killing myself too. Luckily I have supportive friends who kept me grounded. And I have a feeling that you also have friends here to support you if needed.
LOL. So yup. You get it. Not that far gone this time around and I’m not going to let myself get so twisted up this time that I end up like I was last month. Almost needing hospitalization because I took someone’s hand and jumped down a rabbit hole is dumb indeed. Nope. Just going to cruise and stay grounded and find all the forks that are missing in the house. Small steps.
Yeah, I can laugh about it now but it wasn’t too funny at the time. Sometimes all we can do is laugh.
Goodnight Hazy, I’m off to bed.
Hazy Day Sunflower, AWWWW! Relax you said it yourself paranoia, i get like that too! but it isn’t real and doesn’t deserve that much thought, yesterday was good today can be salvaged!!!! 🙂
It isn’t so much salvage is accept that this happens to me. You and I have talked a lot about me being bi-polar. It is a blessing and a curse. It is the best and worst of me. I sometime wonder what it would be like to just be one thing. But I rarely am. Sometimes I wake up so completely different I wonder if I have some kind of operating system that can just throw a switch.
Hazy Day Sunflower, Does it help to know i like you both ways???? 🙂 i might be bi polar??? i’m just to stupid to know it!! i believe that i can throw the switch back, after i say to myself enough is enough. paint something nice today 🙂
I am either going to paint. Not sure what yet. I need to stay grounded and chose something wisely. Something that won’t light the pile of explosives I am currently sitting on. Which is the product of the last two weeks. My counterpart stacks explosive under my chair while she gleefully goes about her business of doing tons of shit and leaves me to carefully put the explosives away.
I can understand the loneliness and ups and downs with creativity. I am basically a lonely guy most of the time > as I haven’t found that ‘love of my life’ yet and don’t think I ever will. I don’t have a girlfriend at this point either… so I get lonely. I do have friends and family that I spend time with and YES i do enjoy my time with them. But ultimately I am a lonely guy. Blah Blah.
Yes I go through the creative spurts too. I have times when for like 2 months I am at the art and creativity just about all the time. Then I can have periods of time where I go through month after month after month of not doing anything. I have found I am most happy when I am being creative. Its a good outlet to be doing something creative.
When I go through those dry spells of little or no creativity > I think 1) its partly me running out of ideas that excite me. and 2) partly me just having other issues in life to deal with that sidetrack me. 3) also its a bit of laziness too.. or just needing a break from it.
I find that when I go through spells of little or no art work > the best thing to do is to Just live a little and also to try and spend some time…. looking at other peoples art. Sometimes we need to just live a little in life… so we can stir up more issues to work with. Like the more you live > the more you have to say about life in general and that is where ideas for art can come from. I also like to look at other peoples art here and there.. sometimes looking at other peoples art and spark a new idea or at least get me motivated to do something on my own
well thanks HDS for giving us an update. I Hope you have a great day.
Yeah I often go through certain days where I don’t feel like being around people also.
Sometimes I really just want to tuck away from others and just do m y own thing without having to interact with people. Sometimes interacting with people in my regular life can be a choir that I don’t always want to deal with.
Well anyway thanks for your post
Have a good one.
I have been doing a LOT of art recently but I am not going to post all of it. But here and there I will post a few things.
enjoy your day!!
There are more people here that totally get this than I realized. Thanks Phantom.
I’m glad the upswing was fortuitously timed. good luck today and I hope you have fun painting!
Still cleaning. Still fork hunting. rather be painting.
Update: Still missing the forks, they weren’t in the youngest room. Sofa is next…stay tuned.