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Your opinion is Wanted ! I’m spinning in a circle, time running out

by Cold_Sleep

I just got the message, from my ex, she want’s to go out for a drink with me tomorrow night!! I still love her, so that’s great right ? so why em I posting this crap here?

Well it is not great, this is not fucking great at all. And here is why :

we have been together for almost 5 years, and she have break up with me 2 months ago, 3 weeks ago she had told me she have meet someone and that they are dating for few days now. But 2 weeks ago I have found out  she had been cheating with this guy for months when we were still together and all the lies she had told me in all this past months, and even now in this two months that we are not together anymore she told me so many lies, I have just lost count.

so I really need your opinion please!

Should I confront her tomorrow, tell her that I know all the lies and cheating she had done to me?

I’m thinking yes – my time is running out ! Because, I have exams in 25 days, and I need to pass them to finish school finally and try to get a decent job for once. I have had just enough energy to hold on this two months that I was studying everyday for this final exams, but I have completely stop 2 weeks ago, when I found out about this. After 13 years of this exact same ending in previous relationships my heart is not broken but dead this time, so at least I don’t have to worry about that, but it’s tearing my soul in pieces, Its making me sick and can’t sleep or eat, having panic attacks, paranoia is appearing more often and depression bad as never before, and I attempted suicide once before.  And how the fuck can I possible study now? I was barley holding on before, all the good memories and beautiful moments we had, and hard times we conquered them together, are now gone for ever, drowned in lies, and it’s taking me down with it.

I need to hear her say the truth to me. My soul is dying and I’m wishing I can find some peace or strength in it, at least for this month, so I can get myself together and try to salvage this lost time and get back to study, with this last energy in me, don’t even want to think if it’s not already too late now for me.

by not telling her, my life is at hold, can’t stop thinking about it, it has taken me over, and it’s ripping what has left of me apart.

I’m thinking no – i’m spinning in a circle ! Here is what is scaring  me even more, and i’m afraid! this girl, she is mentally ill too. She was cutting herself for over 10 years, attempt suicide twice, been in psychiatric hospital 6 times already. what is even worse is she should be taking 3 types of pills, but for the past 6 months she only taken 1 type of those pills, and this might be the cause of mood swings and her decisions in this last months, but maybe not I don’t know. And what is even worse when I think about it more is, she can be manipulated by others quite fast, and not to my surprise, the guy she is dating, is her “friend”, she knows him for like 1 year now (and this guy, he was like take a pic of your dog, can I see your new hair color? here I bought you gift etc…for this entire year that she knows him).

I don’t know. Is the mental grip holding her this badly now? are the pills? is she being manipulated? is the combination? is it something else? or she just wanted to get away from me?

I’m afraid, if I confront her, and tell her that I know about all the lies she is telling and cheating she had done, she might start to hate herself again, she will also see how broken I have become by her actions, she might fall even deeper in depressions and her dark mind, which would probably mean that she would start cutting again (she had stop 3 years ago, I don’t know if the new boyfriend even knows about her mental state and problems she had and has, and will not even be able to give her support she needs), it might again get so bad she would try suicide or go to hospital for at least 1 month or more, and fail at school, and can’t work when your in hospital which would leave her without money, which would destroy her life, and mine with it, for pushing her down this path.

But knowing her I feel, I can’t take a risk, it will end badly, it will destroy her life or cripple it beyond repair, and then mine goes with it.


I’m spinning in a circle between this impossible decisions, of which, future and life, of someone else, that I care and love, and me, might get destroyed. And I’m running out of time, been thinking for the past 2 weeks, sometimes I decide I will take one way and will not change my mind about it anymore, hours later I’m convinced I will do the other way around because it’s for the best, tomorrow she will see me, and exams are at end of this month.

– I want to “man up!” slap myself, get it together, let it slip away and don’t you dare mention this to her tomorrow or ever! but this energy is sipping out of me, and it’s ripping me apart emotionaly and mental state is getting worse by day. But I want to smile, I need to, for her, when she ask me tomorrow how are you? I need to forget about it and my exams with it.

-Or maybe I’m over thinking this? Might be she just will not care that I know, and will not feel bad for her actions, or that my situations has gotten so bad. I wish this would be true, then I would need not to worry about her state, I still love her and care for her very much, probably too much for my own good. But I just might take this broken pieces that are left for me and somehow try my best to survive this month, If I confront her, and she tells me get over it, she doesn’t care about me anymore.


is there any other way? I’m I blind, possible stupid?

 What would you do? If you were her, what would you want me to do?


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October_rain 5/2/2016 - 8:23 pm

Hey, I read up to the that first horizontal line (———), that’s all. It sounds to me like she has your heart-strings. It also sounds to me like she is not a loyal and faithful woman at all. COMPLETELY ignore her. Fill up your phone with new numbers — don’t even give her a single thought anymore. If it helps, move to a new location hundreds of miles away and do not let her pesk you at all in your life.

Cold_Sleep 5/2/2016 - 8:42 pm

She has my heart-strings yes :/, by the looks of it she is not loyal, but I don’t want to turn my back on her just yet, I know her state of mind and problems inside her and her demons sadly.
In the long run yea, moving away would be best, because we live close by, and the town is small, it’s just a matter of time when we meet randomly in shop or bar. I was thinking about just ignoring and forgetting her, but she will see me in town one day or another anyway. which leaves this option out I think.

October_rain 5/2/2016 - 8:52 pm

Yo’, just do what I say and move on. Again, if making a practical step like moving helps, do it.

Specter 5/2/2016 - 8:40 pm

If you want opinions you can have mine, but that’s all it is, an opinion. A lot of times in emotional situations like this we think we want other people’s opinions but end up doing whatever we prefer to do anyway.

I’ll start by saying this situation sounds like the type of thing I’d always get tangled up in years ago. Relationship drama, messy breakups, etc. Thanks to severe depression I’ve finally spent multiple years completely single and have been able to put some of those old experiences in a different context.

There’s no reason to go. There’s no reason to go out for drinks with a liar. This sounds like a bunch of drama, she had someone else behind your back., you guys break up, now a few weeks later she wants to meet you for drinks. I understand you think getting it off your chest will help you focus on other things you need to worry about. That could be handled with a letter or something less involved than meeting for drinks. Again, just an opinion and that’s just the personality type I have, I’d rather just write to someone and not plan some big confrontation in person.

When I used to have relationship issues, whenever I’d get advice about how “no contact” is the best way to deal with an ex, or when I’d be agonizing over what step to take next and someone would tell me to just walk away, I never took the advice. I always thought people misunderstood, didn’t get why my relationship issues were different. A few years older and wiser and now I understand why the simplest, best answer is to let things go. Stop putting up with stupid behavior from other broken imperfect human beings. We are all a mess and the romance that we all think we want only exists in movies.

You’re wasting your time. It’s hard when involved in these situations to step back and admit to yourself how ridiculous it all sounds. Someone who lied to you, apparently cheated, and you’re about to accept an offer to meet for drinks. Nothing good will come of it, you probably won’t even feel like you got this closure that you think it will provide, but like I said, if you’re dying to tell her what you know, it can be accomplished in much simpler ways like a letter. If you’re so much more certain that it would feel better in person, it goes back to what I said earlier that in these situations people tend to ignore advice and do whatever they want to do. It sounds like you want to execute this plan. Go ahead, just don’t be surprised when you’re at home an hour after it all happens and realize it was pointless.

You should let this go and just focus on your exams. That can even be the excuse you give her, that you need to be focused right now and don’t have time for this stuff. That may even make her realize what she lost when you don’t come running the second she suggests going for drinks. But again, I remember how hard it is to take advice when the heart is confused.

Cold_Sleep 5/2/2016 - 8:48 pm

thanks Specter, showing me another option.

Cold_Sleep 5/2/2016 - 8:54 pm

and a new way of thinking about it!

nepheliad 5/2/2016 - 9:14 pm

I avoided an entire city after breaking up with an ex. This summer might be the first time I visit there in a few years, to attend a concert. I look different now anyway. 8)

(Exes are generally bad news.)

BlueEyes 5/2/2016 - 9:34 pm

I think going for drinks with her right now is a big mistake. I agree with Specter; tell her you can’t because you need to study for exams and simply can’t fit “relationship stuff” into your head right now (which is true). Tell her you’ll call her after your exams. This will give you some breathing space. Then, write down everything you’re feeling now about her and the relationship, etc. and set it aside; get it off your chest. You can then focus on studying, keeping open the prospect of meeting up with her afterwards. If you still want to meet for a drink after exams then call her, meet with her, and bring the letter. Whether you choose to divulge the letter to her will be your decision.
I think you are more curious than anything to see what she has to say. But if it’s important, it can certainly wait until after exams. And if it’s critical she can tell you in a phone call.
It’s clear you care about her, but stop taking on her issues as your problem or your fault. You need to hold what I call “loving space” for wounded people or they can become toxic for you. You can love her and keep her in your heart, but you have to create a “psychic distance” from her energy, like mentally standing 12 inches away from them. In the long run it’s better for both of you.
Lastly, I’ll give you the advice my therapist gave me when I was spinning in very similar circles over a relationship “All this back and forth and ‘what ifs’ is just the novel in your head. Stop writing that novel. You have no way of knowing the future, so just stop writing that novel. ** None of it is real **”

Hazy Day Sunflower 5/2/2016 - 11:28 pm

I always take the high road. I do what I will be able to live with myself doing. There is nothing to be gained by confrontation in this instance and she won’t care anyway.

I just walk forward, leaving all the shit in a heap to rot seventeen step behind me.

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