Coming Back As Awkward As Ever (but hi I love you)

Happy Wednesday morning, everyone. I went through the effort to check my phone and see what day it is just so I could say happy Wednesday, see, I care that much about wishing everyone a happy day, you can say a lot of shit about me, but you can’t say I don’t care. If you were bored enough to read this and don’t know me, my name is Hailee, hi. If you were bored enough to read this and do know me, hi. Sorry I can’t think of anything more creative to say, and I have been wanting ever so slightly to post on here but I didnt know what to say, still really don’t. so sorry, I’m wasting your time, but if you are familiar with my most recent posts, I had a legitimate plan to kill myself on June 25th, the day of my 16th birthday. I was set on it, I was hyped, and eager, and determined, and prepared, and then some things happened, and (kind of sadly) I don’t think I’m gonna do it. That’s a big reason I  didn’t want to come back on here, I was so nervous and embarrassed to say that, that I’m (probably) not going to go through with it. I was so set, and I really thought it would happen, and I feel like such an idiot for posting like it was going to happen without a doubt, and here I am, oh so casually stating that I’ve decided to stay alive, and I think i hate saying it so much because it makes me feel weak. I’m not saying that everyone that decides to not go through with killing themselves is weak, i do not condone suicide and will never be one to tell someone to do it, but for me tone set and act all high and mighty and determined about something just to not go through with it makes me feel like a failure. I’m sorry to rant so much, but that was a big reason i haven’t been here a while. this month has been relatively busy but not in a great way, some good and bad things have happened, and right now I’m just taking my time on my ride (where are my fellow top trash at?) no but really, I’m not even 16 yet, what do i know about anything. a big fear of mine is regretting killing myself, I’m a spiritualist, i believe in post death existence and eternal consciousness and infinite energy and all that, so i believe that death is not the end, its just moving on, but i don’t want to be in my afterdeath state, and if possible, regret killing myself because truthfully i had goals, a shit ton of goals, still sort of do, I’m an idealist, a dreamer, i have played out scenarios in my head and they are a huge thing that keeps me going here. i do not feel that i belong anywhere, i hate to say it, but not even here. i read your posts, and i relate and cry and laugh and understand, but i feel like I’m doing it from the shadows, like you are all this lovely family and i am just watching from the outside. maybe that makes me selfish, my apologies, I’m not one for being able to do things right, but i don’t want to sit here and be negative, i want to be as positive as i can, but still be honest, but for me, honesty comes with a hefty price of negativity so i shall try my best, as thats the best we can do for now. I’m a writer, i have a lot to say, and be it you hate it (and me) or not, i shall do some of that writing and ranting and venting here, because this is as good of a place as any, maybe even better, i have met some lovely, amazing people here that i have told personal things to and grown a connection with (hi procel and dark willow and whoever else I’m forgetting) and some of you guys have actually really helped me. so thank you, even though i feel like an outsider here does not mean i am not grateful for all some of you have done for me, i am, eternally, I’m just still finding myself and my place and after my transformation, i will be here to update everyone, and if no one listens, ill be here to update myself and keep it real because someday, if i can, i may look back on my sp journey and take a trip down memory lane, so if you lost sense of what i was saying, I’m staying alive (for now) and i actually missed the shit out of you guys, and love you to death and beyond and i will keep posting, as well all do, for myself, and anyone who cares to listen and try to help as many as i can because its something I’m passionate about. i apologize for the long, drawn out post, id just rather keep it long and unfiltered, go Hailee style, I’ll be back soon with somewhere words and what not. Have a lovely morning. Peace and love, Hailee.