It use to only be when I was alone that I thought about dying and killing myself. But tonight while I was out clubbing with my friends all I could think about was death and how much easier it would be. As I stood there trying to dance I looked around at all the other people of the dance floor and they looked so happy and carefree and I just couldn’t help but think how stupid it was because life is pointless.
It’s funny. I never published this post because my friend came and jumped in my bed because she could tell I was upset and hadn’t been myself for a long time. So I finally told it to her straight and asked her “what is the point? Why bother?” And she looked at me and said that she believes that this is just one step in the journey. That we have to be the best people in this life to reach the next step.
I personally like to think I believe in the next life but I’m not really sure which makes it hard. I wish I was sure. That would make it so much eaiser. Although this talk didn’t reach a solution to my minds state it did help. I still feel like I can’t breathe at times and feel an overwelming sickness and panic. But at least I don’t want to die at the moment and I am trying to be happy. I like writing on here because it makes me feel like people do care. And even if that is just an illusion I can live with that. I can live.