I never expected this

Thanks everyone. It’s very sad, yet comforting to know such heartbreak is understood. I appreciate having a non-judegemental outlet to voice what’s deep in my heart. Thanks to medications I don’t feel suicidal about my life, but these things can still drop me into depression.

I will move forward (what else can one do?), but I will always have a tiny sliver of hope in my heart. I will try to make sure I never go to his home again, but I shall remain friends with him for as long as I can stand it, even if it’s just through e-mail, just so he never forgets how awesome I am, how much I genuinely care about his welfare, how caring I can be, and that he is never without a non-judgmental friend.

WIthin the next few years, when his parents pass away, when other sad life events start happening, he’s going to need a compassionate friend, and when those days come I want that friend to be me. Because, my feelings aside, MC is a good person with very deep emotional wounds that he hides from people extremely well. From the tiny bits he’s told me (usually after a few drinks), I sense he’s not had a lot of love in his life, and he doesn’t understand “love” very well.

Well, I Am Love.

So I forgive him for being afraid of love, and therefore possibly me. I can only pray he gains the self-confidence to see he’s worthy of love, and gathers the courage to reach out and accept the love he deserves. It will never be “too late” with me.

MC and I have been dancing to this tune for over 3 years now. I believe with all my heart there is more to this story; that we still have a higher purpose to play out. Time, love, a sliver of hope, and a gut feeling are all I have. Until I gain more I need to press onward, fill my life with other things and try to stop “writing the novel in my head” entitled “If Only…”