I am sorry if I ramble, but that’s just one of the character traits that has got me into this situation.
I used to have it all. I was lucky a long time in my life and now my luck has run out. I have been running away from my problems for the past 8 years without even really knowing it.
They say an act breads a habit, and a habit breads character – and that is what has happened to me. Four months ago, it hit me and I realized what I had done and what a monster I had created. It was amazing. For almost a year, I had this uneasy feeling in my stomach that something bad is going to happen, but I could not point my finger to it. That’s how engrained my lying had become.
Then from one day to the next, it hit me. I realized what I had got myself into and I just collapsed. Didn’t sleep for two weeks, saw demons and monsters when I closed my eyes, tried to cry but could not, it was a full on psychosis. Since then, my fears have given way to impulsive and stupid actions that have basically created a self-fulfilling prophecy …
Now, the problems I had imagined are bound to come true and the fears are real. I have given up on friendships, don’t care about my job, don’t enjoy any of my hobbies other than playing sad songs on my guitar, don’t enjoy anything other than smoking cigarettes. Everything I have done to address my problems in the past few months have only made them worse.
My life is empty and I am just a shell of my former self. And the worst is that I can feel that the love of my life who has gone through hell with me the last few months slowly slipping away …
And I cannot change anything about my situation. I have trapped myself like a rat in a cage and all I can do at this point is sit, wait, and see if my world is going to completely unravel. I don’t know if or when, but I do know how and it will not be pretty because everything will be gone.
It is damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
There seems no way out. My life is over either way.
6 comments
You are damned if you don’t.
Exactly, you’ve got nothing to lose. So try to do everything that’s in your power to beat this, and stay with the love of your life.
I have been fighting a real, unrelated fight for the past two years. I am exhausted. I feel like I am going insane and have lost touch with reality. Can’t remember things I said and did. It is horrible. I used to be a smart man and now I can feel me mind and my body falling apart. It feels like I am already dead or dying. The only thing keeping me going is the pain that an exit will do to others and leaving my love in this world alone, but I can feel her slowly slipping away from me anyways.
I’m sorry to hear that. I’m at least glad to hear that you have things that keep you going. Focus on that. Also, try to keep her from slipping away. Be open with her, and tell her how much she means to you. If you haven’t already.
When I feel like you do I run to my problems. Better the devil I know.
Are going to some psychiatrist or smthing?