I want to be clear that this isn’t a suicide note unless the means (and I hope this is not the case) of death was suicide. However, this is meant to be read after my death. A relatively incoherent posthumous statement that amounts mostly to why you shouldn’t mourn my passing. The reason being that I never really enjoyed who I was.
Now, I want to be clear, I was not in a perpetual state of unhappiness nor would I say that I was often unhappy. I was relatively blessed and enjoyed the comfort of modern life surrounded with great friends and siblings. What it was, was a deep character flaw that I could never square. You see, I don’t have to tell you this because it’s not profound and rather obvious, but you’re always you. You’re you every day, minute, second, nanosecond. Now, I guess you’re supposed to like yourself for the most part and therefore be happy being yourself, of course interspersed with moments when you don’t like yourself, but you remind yourself that you can only be yourself and you’ll work on being a better self or something like this. In my life, at 28, I didn’t really see things this way. I saw a deep unalterable self that was ultimately unsatisfying.
I was, deep down, past all the superficial bullshit, solipsistic. I couldn’t get past myself, I was preoccupied with it. Even this whole thing here, that I wrote, is an example of my self-obsession. This solipsism pervaded my entire life and prevented me from outwardly expressing true interest in others. This is what I believed to be the main reason for my complete failure in creating and maintaining committed romantic relationships (I had always foolishly thought that I could be “saved” by the right woman).
Everything I did could be reduced to a narrow and inward attempt to mould myself to appease myself, if that makes any sense. Essentially, in an attempt to reduce this to it’s simplest form (retrospectively a failure, you’ll this find out after you read the following pathetic attempt at reduction), myself was a self that was working on building a self it could never be and therefore forfeited realizing the futility of trying to build a self rather than accepting a self – but myself will always be that self that wants to be a different self. My true self is envious and envy is rooted in solipsism.
So what’s the point of this? The point is that life, specifically my life (that wasn’t chosen), was one of always wanting. I found myself always wanting to be someone else because I was never happy with who I was because who I was always wanted to be someone else. You see how silly this is? I suppose the silliness brings some comfort to the whole thing, but the ultimate takeaway is my fundamental dislike for my nature and therefore my willingness to meet oblivion. None of this may bring you solace, because you may of liked or loved me and the realization that I wasn’t happy with myself may bring about further negative feelings. But I implore you to dismiss those feelings and accept that my life was threaded with an atrabilious string and it could not have been otherwise. I gladly meet the abyss. I am now free.
mors vincit omnia
11 comments
What kind of self does your self want to be?
And do you accept that your self always wants to be a different self? Because then isn’t that self acceptance?
Trapped in a paradox. I want to be someone who isn’t envious, who doesn’t want to be someone else and yet when I scrap everything away that is who I truly am. Doesn’t always wanting to not be me preclude self-acceptance?
The someone else you want to be, how different is that from your perceived true self? Can’t the someone else you want to be, be a “improved version” of what you are now?
If for now you accept that you want to not be you… Then you’re accepting your self, even if that self doesn’t want to be itself. You are more than just the part that doesn’t like being itself… what about the part that is observing that you don’t like being yourself?
@.@
Accepting something doesn’t mean you like it. You can hate that you’re envious and want to always be someone else, but if you accept that this is in fact how you feel, then you are accepting yourself.
I think?
^you are more than what you’re aware of.
Haha, there’s a lot of “selfs” flying around here. djarumblack is right, accepting doesn’t equate to liking. Also, the fact that you can clearly see your “true self”, if it is your true self, indicates that you have deep self-awareness. Many people live their whole lives without finding their true selves, for good or bad.
All the self’s are making me dizzy @.@
There is a lot of selfs flying around. That’s part of the problem. A self-obsession of sorts. I wish I could just be.
^I can totally relate to what you’re saying here basefree
Ah, that makes sense. To simplify things, look at it this way. There are three selves. The self that you are right now. The self that you are striving to be, and the self that people perceive you to be. A person’s true self is usually somewhere between the first two. Now, those selfs flying around is all a part of you, in some way or form. It would actually be more accurate to call them fragments of selves. You need to focus on what you find important in life, and what makes you happy. When you find those things, align all those selfs around those central things.
It’s the character flaw you need to address but how can you when you’re being yourself. In order for you to be the things are envious of means you have to be something else you’re not. I loved your third person perspective.