My fucked up little game

A lot has happened since I posted earlier this month, some good, some bad, some terribly wrong but so right at the same time. The guy who earlier this year broke my heart, betrayed and ruined me, came back into my life in a new and unexpected way. It was me who actually contacted him and brought him back in in some way. The first time was a couple weeks ago.

Anyway, we’ve been participating in um.. very.. “intimate activities” with each other, mostly over the last week. I have been telling myself not to let it affect me and not to let any feelings that I may have “in the moment” Stay. He still loves me and always did, I believe that, but he betrayed me numerous times and that’s why I ended the relationship. He poured out his feelings and emotions as he so often has in the past, and it felt good.

It felt good to see him cry instead of me for once. It felt good to hear that he has missed me, it felt good to tell him that I’ve been with other people since we broke up, and to see it deeply upset him, to torment him. It felt good to see that he was breaking for me. When he cried, I sat still. When he lay there coming apart at the seams, I sat there feeling emotionless. It was amazing for something to finally not affect me.

We kind of have this mutual understanding now that we are going to try to be friends, but still sleep together. Like a friends with benefits thing. The thing is, for me that’s all it is: friends with benefits, or more JUST the benefits part, I don’t really want to be friends because I hate the person he is. For him, he wants me in his life, he wants to talk regularly but he knows that won’t happen. He knows that I just am basically using him for a few hours of fun, and he has decided to be okay with it so he can still have me in his life in some way because he still feels something. He knows that I will be sleeping with other people, but I am the only person he will have sex with because of the feelings he so strongly has for me.

So is what we are doing wrong? Yes, terribly. Mostly on my part, I know, but I don’t want a relationship with him again, he’s still doing the things that caused the split, and I don’t believe people change. I am using him for sex and for the illusion that everything is okay and how it used to be, without the negative affects. This past week when we were together I felt happy, but not “in love” or attached. And when he left, I didn’t feel the longing for him to come back like I used to when we were together. I still don’t miss him. I still don’t need him.

Maybe I’m cruel for not allowing him to move on, but I think part of this is that I don’t want him to move on.. I want him to still want me but I don’t wanna want him back. Perhaps I’m stopping myself from moving on too. I’m terrified of the day when he meets someone new, though I shouldn’t be. I know that I will always be the person he needs. But he will never be the one I need.

I’m grateful to anyone who reads this to the end, and I’m sure you will think that what I am doing is fucked up. I know it is, but at the same time I think maybe he might deserve it.
“God will punish the wicked, but before he does, we will.”