Overwhelmed and Indecisive

Well, apparently I’ve been a bit different in the past few weeks and someone has noticed. I want to tell them what’s going on, but I can’t explain four years of pain, addiction and depression to someone who hasn’t seen that side of me,  I mean not in one conversation anyway. Someone already told me to talk about, actually two people have but I don’t wanna talk about it because last time I did, they walked away. I just have this contradicting feeling that it will happen again. Maybe it’s just paranoia or anxiety coming back but I don’t want to say anything. I came so far without any help from anyone even though I know I’ve needed support for years. It’s either I spill it or die. Maybe I could run off and disappear. Not many would even notice. I could clear my head or die without anyone realising right away. There’s just too many things going on in my head to bear at this point. Maybe I should just pull the plug and quit. I could finally be at some kind of peace and be done with it all. I know no one is going to read this so I’m not really sure why I’m posting it. I just want to shut it off. I want to get these thoughts out of my head. I need my cousins out here so I can connect with someone like me rather than someone who doesn’t understand. I’m wasting my time writing this. No one will read it anyway.