I have schizoid personality disorder and basically I’ll never get “better” from that.
After loads of research I’ve discovered that the life I’ve wanted has basically been the root cause of my depression.
I know there’s exceptions but
Schizoid people don’t typically get married let alone have dating relationships
Schizoid people don’t have children
Schizoid people can’t or don’t work in most professions
Basically I’ll never have a healthy or happy relationship with anybody and that’s why my marriage failed and my current relationship is likely to fail as well.
I may have brought my daughter home from foster care but I’ll never be the loving mother she needs. I’ll probably destroy her more than anything. Worse yet I’m currently pregnant with #2
300+ job applications and 5 years of working and 2 total interviews. I’m going to have to be on disability.
Essentially I’m a worthless sack of shit according to any standard. Emotionally, family wise, and professionally.
If I were smart I’d kill myself immediately upon giving birth (physically harming another is against my suicide rules) I doubt I will though. Right now I sincerely hope to die during labor, that will ease some of the pain for those left behind.