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Schizoid Personality Disorder

by AshCoveredAngel

I have schizoid personality disorder and basically I’ll never get “better” from that.

After loads of research I’ve discovered that the life I’ve wanted has basically been the root cause of my depression.

I know there’s exceptions but

Schizoid people don’t typically get married let alone have dating relationships

Schizoid people don’t have children

Schizoid people can’t or don’t work in most professions

Basically I’ll never have a healthy or happy relationship with anybody and that’s why my marriage failed and my current relationship is likely to fail as well.

I may have brought my daughter home from foster care but I’ll never be the loving mother she needs. I’ll probably destroy her more than anything. Worse yet I’m currently pregnant with #2

300+ job applications and 5 years of working and 2 total interviews. I’m going to have to be on disability.

Essentially I’m a worthless sack of shit according to any standard. Emotionally, family wise, and professionally.

If I were smart I’d kill myself immediately upon giving birth (physically harming another is against my suicide rules) I doubt I will though. Right now I sincerely hope to die during labor, that will ease some of the pain for those left behind.

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nepheliad 6/10/2016 - 6:21 am

Everyone I’ve dated or tried to date has probably been Schizoid, though I had typically considered them as being, in the end, a cold, heartless jerk who was possibly sociopathic, but if I’m being honest I must be somewhat Schizoid myself. (“Birds of a feather flock together”). Oh well.

It’s not the same as being a sociopath, as long as you don’t try to intentionally manipulate, lead on, lie to, and screw over other people for your personal gain, or in an attempt to escape consequences.
It does suck though if you want to have easy, normal friendships and relationships with others, but seem unable to because you feel too detached and too outside of everything, or want to avoid being smothered emotionally (even if you do genuinely care about others).

I don’t have much advice as I have no clue on how to maintain long-term sentimental bonds/connections with other people either.

You will always be important to your kids, however. I hope you will find peace and happiness so you will want to continue keeping on.

SeeSmith 6/10/2016 - 9:25 am

My heart goes out to you. I know I have the barest glimmerings of where you are at.

I think there is hope for you because you traveled miles and miles over the internet to tell us your story. You obviously do not want to destroy your daughter. You seem to prefer your current relationship not to fail. You appear to not want to be “that SPD person that doesn’t care about shit.”

So you are going to need to learn some new coping strategies. Just like a physically disabled person has to have physical enhancements, machinery, braces, and special care – you, too, are going to need mental tools and aids to be able to get around. These are acquirable.

…and you are going to have to decide that this isn’t the end, but the beginning of the road. Albeit a hard one.

Happiness will depend on how you define it.

Safe travels and walk in the light. I hope you see the day your daughters say, “yeah, my mom is definitely strange, but she’s all right.”

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