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Suicide Temptations

by JiminyCrispies

I spent the majority of my day staring down my new, full bottle of medication contemplating on whether to just do it. I have roughly 7 and a half bottles of my antidepressants hidden from when I never took them, and this new one make 8 and a half.

I forgot I had them all, but I was clearing out my room this morning when I came across them stashed all around the room. I’m not sure if there’s more, but this is all I found so far. The temptation to take them all is almost overwhelming.

Suicide has been at the forefront of my mind for the past several months, but I’ve tried my best not to act on it. I have a different occasions, but obviously I’ve failed them. I’m supposed to see my therapist on Friday at 9AM, but my mum wants to cancel it because of how early it is. I’ll probably get a taxi there by myself instead.

I want to tell her how bad I am, but at the same time I don’t. I’m too afraid to tell her what’s going on because I don’t know what will happen. If I tell her I’ll probably overdose in the next few days, she’ll call my mum. If I tell her I’ll most likely badly self harm soon, she’ll tell my mum. If I say Bree is telling me to go to Scotland because there are people there who will protect me from the government, she’ll tell my mum.

Nothing I say is taken serious enough, and all they do is tell my family. And my family don’t help. I’m afraid of reaching out to them and being serious with how bad I am, and then them just brushing it off like its no big deal. I’ve told them in multiple occasions that I literally don’t know what to do anymore and that I can’t cope with the voices or Bree or anything, and they haven’t done anything. They don’t think it’s too serious.

I’ve broken down too many times to count just this weekend. I’m getting so aggressive towards everyone. I’m angry all the time and I just get so violent. I don’t know what else to do anymore, and I’m sick and tired of trying to just deal with it. I can’t deal with it all anymore. It’s too much for me to handle now.

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4 comments

SadPotato 6/26/2016 - 6:13 pm

Hey Jiminycrispies, I think you should tell your family how serious it is, you have nothing to lose. Or, alternatively, you should reach out to any other person that you trust. Like you said, it’s too much for you to handle now. You need support, this is something that you won’t be able to handle on your own. O and I find it impressive how, despite everything, you still do the effort to go to your therapist. It shows determination to get better on your part.

PhantomCitizen43 6/26/2016 - 7:42 pm

For one > taking all of that medication… it most likely wont kill you. You should know that for starters. If you take all of that all you will wind up with is a bad stomach and a really bad headache for a couple days… maybe some hallucinations to boot. Sorry man.. but its not that easy.
The pills they make these days > most of them wont kill you. Trust me > i have tried it many times and wish I hadn’t.

Well if your parents don’t take you seriously when you try to tell them about these kinds of things then maybe you should tell a counselor or your therapist or some other person you can count on like maybe a neighbor or a friend.

Have you been taking your meds the right way?? It sounds like NO.
If you would take them the way they are prescribed you might get the help you need.
The meds might take the edge off these feelings and you might be able to sort your shit out and get back on track. If you go to see a therapist you have to follow up on the advice they give you and take the meds the right way.

metalwarrior665 6/27/2016 - 7:37 am

Dude, look at yourself, take all the strenght you have a go to the fucking hospital!!! Fuck your mother, fuck your voices, just know on their door, tell them you need fucking help instantly a you will get it.

There isn’t much of anything else you can do now.

metalwarrior665 6/27/2016 - 7:38 am

Believe me, I had psychotic friend and he was exactly like you. He went to a hospital a they helped him a lot, now he has jobs, new friends, maybe even a girlfriend.

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