I don’t want to talk about why I’m so depressed, so desperate to just give up and kill myself. In brief, I just HATE myself for the mistakes I’ve made, the hurt I caused the only woman to ever love me. I’m left a shell of a man, wondering how I let myself make so many mistakes, and hurt someone I love so much, more than anything, she’s my EVERYTHING….I love her more than my own life. I don’t care what happens to me. I know SO much is from my Bipolar being un diagnosed. It’s been almost a year and a half…..I tried everything to change, better myself, apologize, and make things right with her, to be a lil family again. She hates me. I’m not “dear” to her, she doesn’t love me. She wants nothing to do with me or be a part of her life. She doesn’t want to remember me, or “us”.
I’m left alone, utterly heart broken. Devastated I can’t save my lil family. I can’t make up for the horrible person I was to her and the things I’ve done wrong. Devastated that I can’t earn her forgiveness. Devastated that she no longer loves me.
I don’t want to keep fighting. I’ve lost EVERYTHING that matters to me. I know how I want to do it, I know what I have to get ready to do it. I’ve walked through it in my head, crying myself to sleep now for a month. It feels normal, it feels like what I’m “supposed” to do, like it’s how my life is supposed to end…..I just DON’T want to hurt anyone anymore, and that’s what it’ll do. Only a few people. My parents, best friend, and lil niece.
Not her, even though she’s the woman I love so very deeply. She won’t miss me. She’ll find out, but I don’t believe in my heart she’ll care that I take my own life. Even though it’ll because I can’t live with how I hurt her. How much I hate myself for it.
Dunno when I’ll give in, break down and stop fighting. But I know my favorite picture of her and I will be the last thing I see before the bullet goes in my head giving me the lead poisoning I’m so desperately desiring to stop this ever relenting pain….
I love you Chelsea Ray. I’m so sorry baby.
6 comments
Dude its like yu read from my heart almost like it was destiny for me to read ur post im sorry for wats happened I hate how the person yu think about almost night nd day barley even notices ur still live im here for yu if it helps
I appreciate your comment a lot. What is your story?
For me, it is definitely the worse feeling in the world I hurt someone I love so much. It blows my mind. Yes, she wants nothing to do with me….and I don’t want to be here without her. I dunno when I’ll give up, I have to get s few things in order at least. But I know it’ll be soon, and sadly I know she won’t bat an eye when she gets the news I killed myself. She won’t care.
I like how you use the phrase “give in,” rather than “give up.” When we’re said to have “given up” we’re labeled as quitters. Sore losers. Failures. When we “give in” to things, we’re considered conciliatory, humble, somewhat gentle. I’m so sorry your heart is broken.
Thank you for your kind words. I said “give in” because I feel like I’m fighting the urge every day to kill myself, to fight. One of these days I’ll give in to the voice in my head saying “stop your pain, stop suffering” and I won’t have to deal with how much I hate myself any longer…
I don’t feel that she necessarily doesn’t care anymore. Sometimes people can just be so upset that they put up a wall. Anyway, even though it feels like it’ll never get better, heartbreak always does. It may never go away completely, but it will get better.
She told me she doesn’t care about me anymore. She said she doesn’t love me. That I’m not dear to her, and she doesn’t want me to ever be a part of her life.