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Worse

by JiminyCrispies

I seriously considered going to hospital this evening. I’ve been getting worse, and I really needed to be alone. But my aunt was coming up from London with her kids, and it was chaos. To top it off, Bree wouldn’t shut up either.

I had constant noise, be it from the voices, Bree or the kids, and my mum wasn’t even home. I was left with them all and my stepdad. The voices and Bree got so bad I ended up breaking down in the kitchen cooking my dinner.

I got myself ready to walk to the hospital (it’s a 15 minute walk, you can see the building from our house). I had my shoes on, my coat, I was still dressed from earlier. I got outside and to the end of our driveway when I stopped. My family would be utterly embarrassed if I went there for my mental health.

I know I’m going to get worse, it happened earlier this year. I also know it will be worse than last time. They’ve told me, and they’ll make sure of it. They’re trying to put me off the medication, too, now. I’m trying not to listen to them. I want them gone. They’ll hate me and punish me for saying it, but I hate them. And Bree.

I can’t cope with the anymore. I’m lashing out because of them. My mum told my psychiatrist that I get so aggressive lately, and I don’t even realise I am. I want to get rid of everything, I don’t want to hear anything anymore. I don’t want to see anyone. And I know I won’t get better while I’m at home with a family who doesn’t know how to support me.

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15 comments

Cordless 6/25/2016 - 7:23 pm

Is Jeremy quieter than Bree these days?

It seems like she does most of the talking…?

JiminyCrispies 6/26/2016 - 7:07 am

Bree is here everyday, but Jeremy is only a handful of times during the week. It’s like Bree has pushed him out, and they don’t seem to get along.

nuclearbackpack 6/25/2016 - 8:25 pm

Bad day for me too, my family doesn’t understand. They love me but they don’t get it. There’s no one in real life I can talk to about my issues. It’s murder. I recently had my first stay in a psych ward [near Manchester, England] I really don’t think it’s that big a deal nowadays. Most people in there are just normal people who’ve hot a bad patch.

Cordless 6/25/2016 - 8:34 pm

My family is the same way.

They love me but they don’t get it.
Over the years I’ve learned I just can’t talk to them about some things.

metalwarrior665 6/26/2016 - 5:41 am

My mother was able to get in some ways after I said I’m strating to think suicidal. Her maternal instincts just pushed her to start finding information a she helped me so much from that point.

Cold_Sleep 6/26/2016 - 5:20 am

Take the first chance you get, go to the hospital! No matter what shame they might feel or not, they will feel 100x better for you, when they see your doing good and getting better.

JiminyCrispies 6/26/2016 - 7:10 am

My family don’t even like me seeing therapists. They complain to everyone about how I’m not better after 5 years and I’m getting worse instead. Because of how bad I was earlier this year I wanted to go to hospital, and I could see my mum didn’t know what to do with me other than yell. But she still didn’t bring up hospital. I think they think it will ruin whatever kind of future I have (if I have any) if anyone sees my medical record (it’s pretty bad), and hospital stays would only make it worse.

metalwarrior665 6/26/2016 - 8:19 am

I tried to post here some links on help in UK, but in requires moderation. Just stop being held by your family, if they don’t want to help you, its up to you. Try to find some help on the internet if you don’t have any close friend. I’m sure there are many organizations in UK where they care for psychotic people.

JiminyCrispies 6/26/2016 - 8:49 am

My psychiatrist has pretty much said she’s not convinced I’m psychotic. She thinks it’s my depression and anxiety. I don’t think I’m psychotic, because if I was then it wouldn’t be real. But it is. I’m only taking the medication to see if it does anything. It was my idea to try it. I told my psychiatrist it’s getting worse and she said medication is an option but it’s my decision. I agreed, though she didn’t look too happy about it. Oh well.

My family aren’t vey supportive when it comes to mental health. Physical things like cancer and such they can drop everything and help family members with those illnesses, but with mine they basically shrug it off. I can’t tell them about it anymore because it makes the atmosphere uncomfortable for hours until I lie and say it’s stopped. I think the hospital will only make them more uncomfortable around me.

I’ve thought about trying to wait it out until I’m 18, because I’m fairly certain the hospital doesn’t have to tell my family without my consent that I’m there. I researched some hospitals, and there’s one specifically for mental health round the corner from my house, so if I can wait until my birthday I might try getting my doctor to help me with that.

metalwarrior665 6/26/2016 - 1:39 pm

Oh, you aren’t 18 then it makes more sense. Yes, people don’t know what mental problems are, we all have to live with it, it may change for future generation, not likely for ours, just embrace yourself.

You have voices that prevent you from sleeping and functioning and noone thinks you are psychotic? Thats strange, because its main symptom of psychosis. Strong depression or degenerative disorders like Alzheimers can have psychotic symptoms also sometimes, but that doesn’t fit you.

Trying medication is well done from, but be ready that you may have to try many kinds until you find the right one working for you. Positive symptoms (voices, halucinations) are very treatable and can be prevented for almost anybody with modern psychiatry.

But finally, the choice is yours. I had s psychotic friend and you can never win vs psychosis alone, it doesn’t work…

metalwarrior665 6/26/2016 - 1:41 pm

Also, what do you mean by “being real” not not? I didn’t get it much.

JiminyCrispies 6/26/2016 - 5:04 pm

I was sent to another team of people when my voices got so bad I couldn’t leave the house much, and they just said it was most likely due to my anxiety and depression so I assume my psychiatrist is just taking it from that. I think it’s because I’m convinced people are trying to get me to torture me and kill me, and I have anxiety around people? I don’t know, they didn’t even get in contact with me again I heard that from my therapist.

I spoke to a friend who studies psychology and they were doing a presentation of schizophrenia and related psychotic disorders, and they said I have delusions (and example is I brought one of my dogs’ toys in from he garden and there were ants on it so they were all over the living room, so I thought ants were trying to communicate with me to tell me about the government destroying the world).

The ‘being real’ thing is that the voices and Bree and everything else I see is real. Everyone else tries to tell me they’re not, but they’re just lying to confuse me and make me look stupid.

Mad-eye 6/26/2016 - 5:06 pm

Actually schizophrenia is the consciousness that reflects a more sane mentality. The normal people out there, gaining more profit from idealistic justice are more crazy than schizophrenics. Aliens, UFOs, i feel lots of it is personal experience, which is primarily what we are at birth and death especially..

Mad-eye 6/26/2016 - 5:08 pm

I also dont want to see anyone..:(

Mad-eye 6/26/2016 - 5:09 pm

what a beautiful post!! I hope you are more kind to the unkind, the kind and the strangely talkative people. I hope that someday maybe, you can understand that with death life can be complete.

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