Mom friend, only a year older than me surprisingly, has helped me more than anyone has in certain ways. Taking me shopping, giving me rides, paying my high school summer classes so I can graduate. I am ungrateful. I really almost fucked up.
I am taking summer classes in order to graduate high school and I almost fucked up. Today was the due date, but technically, I have until Sunday. Damage is done, though. I told her I wouldn’t make it, told her I’d pay her back, then she dropped me. Told me to buy her $200 jeans to make up for it. Then Anthony called her, defending me. I feel like scum.
She demanded I called her, scared I was going to kill myself. I was honestly thinking about it. People can’t stand me. Everyone abandons me. Yadda yadda. Same old. Ha.
I just can’t bear to leave my Anthony. Not yet, I think. Although sometimes I feel like I can’t stop what is coming.
I guess I didn’t kill myself because I was slightly angry at her. I was defending myself without knowing, now that I think about it.
Anyway, she called to take back her words, more or less. Told me I was like her sister. Family. I bawled at that word.
…I don’t know, guys. I don’t think I can have her in my heart anymore. It’s too late. Family.
Anthony is all the family I have. He’s family now. He has been for a very long time. I wish he wouldn’t have chosen me. I don’t want to keep hurting him. I am deathly afraid of him hurting me. I do love him though.
Anthony. I’ve been trying to be intimate with him. The problem is that he is so stressed out that he can’t even think about it. I just get frustrated sometimes. I’m sorry, I can’t help it! I need him close. I need that type of contact with him. He’s leaving on Monday, too.
I’m stupid. Sorry for the rant.
Here’s a lovely song I’ll be working on when fall quarter starts at the college. My vocal teacher is amazing and gives me free lessons.
No need to apologize for the “rant”. It’s just you working out some things.
I don’t think you should place so much pressure/importance on a High School relationship. If Anthony supports you and loves you, stay with him. Keep it simple. Also, clearly it isn’t true that people can’t stand you. That friend of yours clearly cares about you, especially considering the amount of support she provides. O and yes you almost fucked up, but everyone almost fucks up sometime, everyone also fully fucks up sometime. You shouldn’t be so critical of yourself.
Sounds like your mom is on your side, no matter if you fuck up or not. I don’t think it’s healthy, whether it be unintentional or not, to pit your loved ones together in that triangular conflict. Puts stress on everyone, but that being said we all fuck up royally, and sometimes it’s impossible to predict the fallout of fuck ups when everyone is concerned for you.
However volatile and unpredictable the fallout, it might be good to emphasize that your motives were pure to both sides, and that you were looking for some support. That is, until they draw their own conclusions. Take notice though, this is advice from a very paranoid mind, my own.
Sorry, I know you were just ranting but for some reason I feel this overwhelming motive to assist others, it’s compulsive and probably is tied into my wide spectrum of mistakes in life and a bit of ego.