Hi… This is my first time ever posting and it’s a little awkward. Anyways, I’ll start out with my life. I live a pretty good life, in my opinion. A big family with wonderful parents, many group of friends, good grades, liked by everyone I meet. Everything is great… yet I don’t know why some days I want to vanish. No, I do not want to die or self harm but yet I want to be gone. I cry each time I think of death. I want to suddenly disappear so no one can find me, like I never existed. I don’t know where this sadness came from. I don’t know if I’m depressed. Some nights I would cry to myself and some days I would want to cry for no reason. But out of all of this, what I know is that I can’t tell anyone. No one cares, why am I such a complainer? Why am I so annoying? Keep it to yourself. Don’t trust anyone. They all leave, even people who you considered best friends. Why don’t you have a best friend? Those are all the things I ask and tell myself daily. I smile of course I do, but I feel like I’m letting go somehow too. And when I try to tell people, those who i trust, all they say or I know they are thinking is you will survive, it’s life, learn how to deal with it. Too bad, it’s life. Don’t worry just get over it. It’s life just get over it. Why are you always complaining? Why are you telling me? Psh. Attention seeker. Yes. Many people have said that it’s life and to get over it. Many people as in my best friend. I’ve never actually suffered any trauma. My grandma passed away recently and she was literally like my mom but I feel that this wouldn’t be causing my sadness. I mean I’ve been like this before she passed away. My friends has made comments about the things I do which hurt me. All the people who I considered friends left and back stabbed me. Why I’m posting this is because I’m unsure, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I honestly feel so lonely even with so much friends. I can not talk to anyone about my problems and it affects me so much. When I try to talk , they become busy or they make it sound like they are annoyed. I feel like I am an attention seeker through that. I have always been there for everyone no matter how hurt I am. I have always open my ears to listen but when I want to talk about my problems, literally no one is there and I’m flipping from text to text to see who I can message then I remember that no one cares. All I have is my dairy which it doesn’t even help anymore. It hurts so much. I cry every night and act like the perfect girl the next morning. My life is perfect yet I’m so lonely and sad. I shouldn’t be sad. Like they said , it’s life so I need to get over it. But I fear one day I might just let it all go and actually suicide. The word suicide makes me want to cry actually. I guess all I really want to know is what is wrong with me? Life is good. Everyone happy and I’m here sulking in my room, crying myself to sleep. Wake up, everything goes back to normal, gets hit by depressing emotions and the cycle repeats. Do you guys think anything is wrong? I also forgot to mention that I do not want to seek medical help. People will be like “oh you have a mental disorder?” Or many might think I’m seeking attention and make more mean remarks. I just can’t open up. People will judge, people will think I’m faking. I’ve help many people through though situations like this but I don’t know why I can’t help myself. I just need answers.
Thank you for reading this, please do tell me what’s wrong with me.
5 comments
Let me preface what I am about to say by saying that I am a cynical person.
As I was reading your post, I couldn’t help but laugh because it is the story of my life, except that I am a man.
Is it funny to be surrounded by people, yet to feel alone?
Nobody understands you. People feel that your life is perfect and as a result, you have no righty too complain. You are there for them but in your time of need, there is nobody to be seen.
Truth is, none of them are your friends. They only pretend to be. They envy you. My analogy for that kind of friendship is: lying in a bed with snakes.
They are just waiting for an opportunity to get you.
I found out that most people will make fun of you when you mention seeking medical help; some directly to your face; some, when you have your back turned.
In my experience, even those therapists can’t understand me. The only ones who can are those who experienced and endured a hard and painful life.
The only help a therapist can be IMO, is prescribing medication in case your problems are caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain. That, is probably impossible to solve by yourself.
I’ve started to feel the anguish you describe, many years ago. I still haven’t found answers but I mostly feel better in my own skin these days.
You see, I do tend to feel lonely when I’m surrounded by my friends. It is so easy for me to make friends yet I tend to lose them in a blink. Yes people have told me that those aren’t my true friends but I don’t know why I keep on holding on. Possibly because I don’t want to feel more sadness than what I have already.
Some has already got to me by spreading highly false rumors and it hurts. I know it’s stupid but I consider everyone my friend, good or bad. Drugs or not. But then like you said , they do try to bite me every time they have. Do friends want competition? My friends act like they secretly do. I have never thought about such though.
I also believe therapy will not help me. I am a good “therapist” to my friends, as they say, yet I can’t help myself and it sucks. Some say I should become a therapist, even. I don’t think I will open up even when getting up.
I hope you do find answers, as well as me.
Which reply do you usually get?
1: You: I feel sad today.
Friend: I’m sorry
2: You: I feel sad today.
Friend: Are you okay? What made you feel like this?
3: You: I feel sad today.
Friend: I’ll be right over. Lets hang out.
I would say 2. But when I start explaining, the answer I get back is “it’s life, get over it.” Or “okay, it’ll get better. I will talk to you later bye!” It’s always the same for everyone.
It’s not only you… Some days we just want the friend to ask nothing and give us a shoulder to cry and most definitely keep listening to the sound of our tears..
And Say that there will be another sunrise tomorrow..
We’ll watch it together..