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I can’t keep doing this

by Snowy

I was raised by my nina (godmother) since i was five months old. You could say we have a strong bond, she just turned 79 years old this year. And shes starting to have a lot of health issues. She had to be put in a nursing home and shes not eating properly. She can’t keep anything down and it seems like the nurses can only give her something for her stomach if she asks for it. She forgets and doesn’t ask, and she can’t eat and is losing weight. She has suffered from strokes, and currently has parkinson’s disease, and dementia. I love her so much, she is my everything and I lived with her until I was 19 years old when i moved in with my husband (boyfriend at the time) I know that she doesn’t have much longer in this world, i can tell and she even tells me that she doesn’t and she wants me to be strong. I was able to talk to her yesterday via facebook messenger (my sister helped her) she looked so small and frail and its killing me. I feel horrible for not being closer to her. I live an hour and a half away, and that’s if traffic is decent. If anything were to happen to her Im so afraid that by the time i get there its going to be too late. We had a scare in early June, the doctors thought she was having mini strokes again and if that was the case it was only a matter of time before one took her life. My husband let me go down and i was there for 5 days spending time with her. The doctors realized that she wasn’t in any danger and that it was just her medications, so I came back home. I found a job and i’m starting work next week. But after seeing her through the video chat I’ve been so conflicted, and I want to go down to see her before she gets any worse. I know that what she has can take a toll on her and I want her to remember me being there for her like she was for me when I was younger dealing with all my abandonment issues from my biological parents. my biological came back in my life when I was about 5 years old but I always stayed with my nina and she has always been mommy. I do call my biological mother mom as well. I was feeling very emotional tonight and really missing my nina. I told my husband that I missed her and wished I could be there to hug her and love on her. All I wanted was for him to tell me he was sorry and hug me and show me that he cared. But instead he told me I’m sorry but you are not going down there, I let you go last time for 5 days and that was long enough. I know that I messed up our finances and we are barely getting back on track now but I just wanted reassurance. I know that right now we don’t have the money for me to make a trip down there, but seriously all i need is like 40 in gas and we’re in business. He gets mad at me for wanting to go down there again so soon. But I know that her time is limited and I don’t know what Im going to do without her. She has been such a huge part of my life and we talk all the time several times a day infact. Shes number 2 on my speed dial (she would be 1 but stupid voicemail) I know that this probably doesn’t make sense to him because he has both of his parents and they have been such a huge part of his life, and he’s really odd when it comes to affection. He doesn’t talk to his mom very often and he tolerates his dad. I can’t even began to express to him the bond I have with my mommy and how much she means to me. I want to see her before she doesn’t recognize me anymore or before something else happens to her. I couldn’t handle not being able to have one more decent conversation with her and it’s like he doesn’t get that. And now he tells me that Im disrespectful to her by calling my biological mother mom, but my nina knows that she is my mother and I just call my biological that because it feels right to me. But i can go weeks without talking to my biological but i can’t go more than a day without hearing my nina’s voice. Im so scared and I feel so alone right now, i just want him to see that Im still a little girl that just needs her mommy.  Sorry this is so long and thank you for reading it to the end. I just needed to get this off my chest and have a good cry. I just really want to see my mommy and I hate that I can’t.

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BL98 7/14/2016 - 5:28 am

From what you said there , you truly care about her and i respect that , but you need to let go . Death is a natural thing and yes , it needs to happen and it will . And if there is only 1-2 hours distance by car , why wouldn’t you go by foot ( walk there ) ? money isn’t everything , you know . And about your husband , please don’t have stupid arguments over money , try and talk to each other , communication always helps , and i think you already know that he is only worried about you and his responsibilities as a man . I do not know you or her , but you think she would want you to fight about this kind of things ? I hope you get to see her and be by her side and also that you will be strong when the time comes . All best wishes .

Snowy 7/14/2016 - 5:36 am

Thank you, and i have tried talking to him. Hes a very “cold’ person, and its not just about the money. I honestly don’t know what its about but when i’ve tried to talk to him about it he just either changes the subject or turns it back on me like I’m asking him to let me take our car cross country. I just wish i had the right words to say to him to make him understand how i feel.

soulsister 7/14/2016 - 9:40 am

Well if I was you I would just go. To hell with him.
If you don’t go and your Nina dies your going to rezent your husband and it will have a huge effect on your marriage.
Then if you go you won’t regret not being with her but still it will have an effect on your marriage.
You simply can’t win. FFS you say it’s only $40 for gas and a person in your life like that who raised you looked after you and kept you safe is priceless. I bet she wants you too.
I watched my grandmother pass away I held her hand best thing I’ve ever done. I’ve never once missed her in the 4 years she’s been gone she was my bestfriend. seeing her take her last breathe gave me closure I guess because she was happy. My point I think you just got to follow your heart. If he won’t give you the car maybe take a bus a train whatever may even be cheaper than $40 gas.
This is just my 2c worth but I hope it all works out for you. I can feel your pain. GO GO GO lolz

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