lAUGH IT OFF? :( The Blank Canvas

July 26th, 2016by CARLOSPEJUAN

So I think instead of a suicide letter with all the things that lead to that moment, or what I want people to change, or not do (like cry and stuff) I think I want one that you can’t help but laugh at.

Someone suggested writing a normal suicide letter and then posting lol at the end. I laughed at that then cried a little, then laughed again.

But mine should read something like this:

I was bored and was kind of curious as to what was in the other life. So I decided to find a portal, but that was taking too long so meh screw I took the fastest way there. Oh shoot, how do I get back?OMG! WTF did I just do!? Oh well, you all are haters anyways. ttyl

But the fact f the matter is that suicide is NEVER funny. I am currently bored with the person I am. The habits, the personality, the thought process of the person I have become have lead me to believe I am not fit to be alive. I am very aware that I should never think like that. I also know suicide hurts the people you love the most. Thus I am trying to change, trying to fit in. But these meds they are making me lose my personality. I look dead, and miserable, but truth is even THAT I can no longer feel. It sucks mainly because I prefer it this way. At least I am not a failure, or don’t fail constantly anyways. I can now fake my laughter and joy like everybody else. My thoughts are now as eerie as those who I’ve observed around me, people who I had NEVER been able to relate to or Identify with. I am now losing my memory worse than before due to the Wellbutrin. But at least when it counts, it’s there. I have been doing aptitude tests, as I have finally found a way to focus long enough to go to school. But the results were essentially things that are not what I would like. Apparently, my thoughts aren’t logical enough. I should be a child therapist, or a preacher and things along those lines. But I don’t want that, I want to be a biochemist, an astronaut and while I can still try and work hard, there is no point as I will always be behind schedule, never ahead of the game, NOPE not competitive enough. And my social skills, OH! My social skills. I have lost all semblance of normality. I am considered weird by everyone at work. I am a joke… quite literally. I am called a retard constantly. Fortunately, these things don’t bother me as much, since contrary to popular belief I did hear the insult, they were just not relevant enough for me to care to formulate a response… also I have a stutter which ruins EVERY come back I try to project into the world. I’m tired of all of this but thank goodness I no longer feel.

The numbness of my emotions is like a whitewashed canvas. There were once colours and a painting embellishing this object. The item we speak of is now blank, ready to be repainted and reworked on. I am going to make this beautiful in my eyes. A painting that I will love, and stare in awe, bewilderment, elation and excitement. I will use the colors joy, politeness and intelligence. There definitely needs to be assertive added to all the lines. The base or foundation will now be facts and not emotions. Empathy will be only in the places where it is needed. Excercise shall be implemented although slowly, since routine is a new aspect of this art I need to comprehend. This time I want less videogames, and more books. There should be more mindfulness and less playfulness. More serious, less jocular. Sex  needs to not be in all the jokes of this painting, the spectators seemed to shun those aspects of the painting. Communication , verbal at least is something that this painting will definitely lead. It’s going to take a long time, but I think I will manage. I believe in me. If you read this I hope you also get to modify your painting, if you don’t like it.

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