Last night I lay awake in my bed thinking about my vacant, failure of a life. I think I have accepted the fact that I have lived longer than I should have. The first time I thought about suicide was when I was 20 years old.I’m 30 now. I think the only things that kept me alive and bothering to go on was that I was able to achieve some success financially in my now dissolved businesses, my family and the very smallest of things in life. But now things are becoming very dark. I think to myself that I really should have pulled the plug at about 24 latest.
I tried to fix myself with meds for 13 months at age 29, but it failed. I have never had a real job and have to somehow get one now. I have so many problems mentally and healthwise that its a joke to say the least. Being withdrawn and not able to trust people only makes it worse.
I have for a long time accepted that I cannot help who or what I am. I am not proud of who I am. Not even sad to say it. I wish I was someone who lived a normal life from a young age (friends, partying, college, good job, house, marriage etc) but I have had none of this. I am starting to make exit plans because its getting bad now. The feeling of hopelessness and helplessness is intensifying and its unbearable.